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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dolly Parton "Played a Whore"

Pastor Marc Grizzard
Amazing Grace Baptist Church
Canton, NC

Dear Pastor Grizzard,

I love your plan to burn non-KJV Bibles, Books of Mormon, and other heretical works during your Halloween celebration, but your addition of Dolly Parton records makes it perfect.

There is no doubt in my mind that Dolly is a minion of Satan. I'm sure others will agree after reading your list of her sins:
Dolly covered Led Zeppelin's occultic song "Stairway to Heaven"...she also covered the atheistic song "Imagine" by the ungodly John Lennon.

She plays a whore in the "Best Little Whore House in Texas."...in her public life she dresses like a whore in exposing herself from top to bottom.

...as soon as you go into Dollywood you see Dolly exposing herself immodestly

She also owns Sandollar Productions, a film and television production company, which produced the Fox TV shows Babes and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sabrina (1995 film). Both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sabrina are full of witch craft and demonic teachings.

Breast-obsessed filmmaker Russ Meyer wanted to make movies about her 40DD breasts.

..Because of the size of her breast she has been invited into several songs in the 80s and 90s, one of them being "Talk Like Sex" by Kool G Rap and DJ Polo. It is obvious that Dolly Parton is wicked and goes against everything the Bible teaches.
It's those last two things that concern me most. A man gets to looking at Parton's breasts and all sorts of wicked thoughts pop into his head. You know what I mean--those secret thoughts all men have but never talk about.

We'll hear Parton singing "Jolene," and the next thing we know, we're strapping our man-breasts into a wonder bra and doing a little naked tucked-thingy dance in front of the mirror.

We've all been there. You're a man, I know you've done it too. The important thing is to ask the Lord for forgiveness afterwards, or better yet, ask him for forgiveness during the act, while you perform penance by spanking yourself with a big ol' spatula.

That's what I do. I spank my self silly for Jesus. There's nothing quite like looking into that mirror and seeing those spatula welts rise up on your "Call me, 'Jolene'" tattoo, especially if you're turned just right, so you also get a peek at your man flesh poking out of the side of your bra. It adds a little something to the punishment--puts it into its proper context and makes your thingy spring completely out of its tucked position.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

7 comments:

  1. my comment was eaten! blogger has been compromised by the heathens>_<

    but i just wanted to say all the the reasons he hates dolly are all the reasons the rest of us love her! plus, she's only working what the lord gave her (mostly)(sorta). what can she do about how ppl react to her sweater puppies? he sounds like a jealous, self-hating, undercover queen to me.

    yours in the lard,
    Bianca

    (ps - i want pics of the spatula spanking. it's what jesus would do!)

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  2. Its true! I am so glad I can now let this out into the open. I'm of average build! it is my shame. I have no Man-boobies! it is a constant source of misery. Every time I hear Jolene or am forced to stare at both of Dolly Parton's personalities, I am reminded of my inability to wear anything more than a training bra.
    I have no man-boobies. It is Dolly's fault I am constantly reminded and God-damn it, burn all her CDs!

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  3. General, Sir:

    It is made obvious by the reading of his scarequotes that the Rev is a hero. He KNOWS what goes on in Dollywood. That can only be the result of his fearlessness in going there, undercover and pretending to enjoy himself in order to gather intel.

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  4. My cousin got sick on the D Cups ride. What's nice is (when you vomit) a theme park employee will come over to you and offer to "burp" you, and even wipe up your puke with a towel. The first thing you see after getting the former contents of your stomach wiped off your chin is these spinning breasts. God ain't got nuthin' on Dollywood.

    ++++

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  5. I always did wonder what kind of ungrateful shithead Dolly was hooked up with when she wrote that.

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  6. Well, now, the man’s got a point. There’s no excuse for covering “Stairway to Heaven” under any circumstances.

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  7. And obviously, the song "9 to 5" is about a gender-mismatched orgy involving Lilly Tomlin.

    How more unholy could you get without leather pants.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.