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Monday, January 31, 2011

Sarah Palin: "Me, Michele, and History"

Once again, Jesus' General is proud to be chosen to host a blog post by President-in Waiting Sarah Palin. Please show her the respect she deserves in your comments.
-- Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Thank you for the use of your blog, General.

The lame stream media once again demonstrated its lack of knowledge about America's history when it attacked statements made by me and that limelight stealing bitch my good friend, Rep Michele Bachmann. For those of you who missed it, they took issue with my statement that "Spudnik" bankrupted Red Russia and Michele's observation that the founding fathers hated slavery and didn't rest until it was finally abolished shortly before the end of their lifetimes.

Obviously, the lame stream media needs a history lesson. Michele and I put the following timeline together to help them.

1492 - United States discovered by an Ohioan, Chris Columbus, while he was scouting shooting locations for Home Alone.

1620 - Pilgrims hold the first Thanksgiving moments after landing at Plymouth Rock. The feast consisted of turkey, cranberries, and root beer floats. Ungrateful brown people stole the silverware.

1772 - Opposition to British rule rose dramatically after Ben Franklin dressed up like a pimp and asked Hudson Bay Company officials to provide funding to house "morale ponies."

1773 - The Madhatter hosts a tea party in Boston to protest the new soda tax. Broadsides are distributed featuring headlines like: "Feeding a family is already difficult in today's economy. Keep government out of our grocery carts."

1775 - A Brown Bess .75 cal musket descends from Heaven and stirs the Virginia House of Burgesses into action by proclaiming: ""Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, Give me Liberty, or give me Death!"

1776 - The 15 Colonies declare independence after King Boy George III refuses to release a birth certificate to prove he is a British citizen.

1775-1783 - Gen. George Washington repeatedly gets off his horse and prays.

1787 - Constitution ratified. Guarantees protection against everything that scares us.

1789 - Congress passes first bill. It allows for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge once it's discovered.

1789 - Congress passes second bill: Nuke Iran at the first opportunity after we learn what "nuke" and "Iran" mean.

1790 - Congress ends slavery, but allows 75 year grace period.

1812 - Congress declares war on Great Britain after British crucify Jesus for inventing the word, "refudiate."

1861 - Tolerancofascists invade Bible Belt, force their values onto white citizens.

1945 - US defeats Obama's forces in Germany.

1957 - Red Russia launches potato into space, calls it Spudnik. Loss of potato leads to Great Potato Famine and undermines Red Russian economy. This results in evil empire's collapse.

1982 - Ronald Reagan turns water into grape Nehi soda, heals a leopard, and teaches Catholics a lesson in El Salvador.

2008 - Sarah Palin chooses John McCain to be her running mate.

2008 - Rep. Michele Bachmann exposes ring of anti-American Mexican sasquatchs serving in Congress.

2009 - Communists tremble as Bristol Palin performs on Dancing with the Stars.


  1. This correctifundicated version of history coming soon to the schoolbooks in the Independent Kingdom of Texas, eh? Today Texas, tomorrow the WOOOOOOOOORLD!

  2. General, Sir:

    Thank you for all that historical datas. I just got one small bone to pick with you.


    "1982 - Ronald Reagan turns water into grape Nehi soda, heals a leopard, and teaches Catholics a lesson in El Salvador."

    is wrong. I mean, Sir, it's not your fault, but what actually happened is that Joseph Smith actually came up with a formula for Nehpilim Grape Soady Pop in late 1843 (it's the REAL reason he got kilt) and then it got stole and sold to them Cokesuckers in Atlanta. They threw out the good parts and added cocaine to make the most popular "soft" drink of all time, original recipe, Coca Cola. What happened was St. Ronnie the Miscommunicator was told by nefarious Libyans that they had discovered the lost recipe for the Nephilim Soady Pop while they was digging for oil in Oklahoma (Oy, you didn't know they own Kerr-McGee?) and since he didn't know a Nephilim from a Necrophiliac he just took out the letters Nancy's astrologer said was "incompatible" with his "sign". True story.

  3. "Come and play with us Barry. Come and play...forever and ever....."

    Kubrick spins in awe at your pee inducing photoshop skills mon general.

  4. Not mine. Forgot where I got it.

  5. "Opposition to British rule rose dramatically after Ben Franklin dressed up like a pimp and asked Hudson Bay Company officials to provide funding to house "morale ponies."

    This gibberish is a product of a truly sick and twisted mind. Or one that communicates with the Most High. Or probably both.

  6. General, Sir!!

    With all due respect, you have forgotten the most important step in history.

    1836: Two Texans eating at the all-you-can-eat Alamo Burger Bar fought off & killed 2,000,000 Sinaloa drug cartel militia which lead to Mexicans accepting all low paid manual labor in the US without safety nets.

  7. Speaking of history, have you heard anything more about those nine newly discovered Nostradamus prophecies on Sarah Palin? Her family and even Glenn is referred to, by NAME!!
    Man, it's freaky.

  8. Love on you General! My pshop from last April is also also too:


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.