Sarah Palin: "Me, Michele, and History"

Once again, Jesus' General is proud to be chosen to host a blog post by President-in Waiting Sarah Palin. Please show her the respect she deserves in your comments.
-- Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thank you for the use of your blog, General.

The lame stream media once again demonstrated its lack of knowledge about America's history when it attacked statements made by me and that limelight stealing bitch my good friend, Rep Michele Bachmann. For those of you who missed it, they took issue with my statement that "Spudnik" bankrupted Red Russia and Michele's observation that the founding fathers hated slavery and didn't rest until it was finally abolished shortly before the end of their lifetimes.

Obviously, the lame stream media needs a history lesson. Michele and I put the following timeline together to help them.

1492 - United States discovered by an Ohioan, Chris Columbus, while he was scouting shooting locations for Home Alone.

1620 - Pilgrims hold the first Thanksgiving moments after landing at Plymouth Rock. The feast consisted of turkey, cranberries, and root beer floats. Ungrateful brown people stole the silverware.

1772 - Opposition to British rule rose dramatically after Ben Franklin dressed up like a pimp and asked Hudson Bay Company officials to provide funding to house "morale ponies."

1773 - The Madhatter hosts a tea party in Boston to protest the new soda tax. Broadsides are distributed featuring headlines like: "Feeding a family is already difficult in today's economy. Keep government out of our grocery carts."

1775 - A Brown Bess .75 cal musket descends from Heaven and stirs the Virginia House of Burgesses into action by proclaiming: ""Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, Give me Liberty, or give me Death!"

1776 - The 15 Colonies declare independence after King Boy George III refuses to release a birth certificate to prove he is a British citizen.

1775-1783 - Gen. George Washington repeatedly gets off his horse and prays.

1787 - Constitution ratified. Guarantees protection against everything that scares us.

1789 - Congress passes first bill. It allows for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge once it's discovered.

1789 - Congress passes second bill: Nuke Iran at the first opportunity after we learn what "nuke" and "Iran" mean.

1790 - Congress ends slavery, but allows 75 year grace period.

1812 - Congress declares war on Great Britain after British crucify Jesus for inventing the word, "refudiate."

1861 - Tolerancofascists invade Bible Belt, force their values onto white citizens.

1945 - US defeats Obama's forces in Germany.

1957 - Red Russia launches potato into space, calls it Spudnik. Loss of potato leads to Great Potato Famine and undermines Red Russian economy. This results in evil empire's collapse.

1982 - Ronald Reagan turns water into grape Nehi soda, heals a leopard, and teaches Catholics a lesson in El Salvador.

2008 - Sarah Palin chooses John McCain to be her running mate.

2008 - Rep. Michele Bachmann exposes ring of anti-American Mexican sasquatchs serving in Congress.

2009 - Communists tremble as Bristol Palin performs on Dancing with the Stars.