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Friday, April 15, 2011

Arizona's Presidential Penis Identification Act

Yesterday was a great day for patriots who are fighting to free our government from the the iron fist of African occupation. Sometime after 9:00 am, the Arizona Senate heroically passed the Arizona Presidential Candidate Penis Identification Act.

The Act offers a presidential candidate the opportunity to prove his or her citizenship by presenting quasi-official documents which describe his or her penis (Yes, it sounds to good to be true, but it is).

It's a great idea if you think about it. American penes are unique in regard to the pressure handling capabilities of their urethras, the masculine design of their veins, and the shape and taste of their helmets.

Candidates aren't required to present penis identification documents if they have a long-form birth certificate, but many, being men and thus always eager to brag about their little soldiers, have already submitted theirs. I'm including a few excerpts below:

Haley Barbour: "My penis is snowy white and hooded."

Ron Paul: "The statists prevented my penis from exhibiting its true brilliance, so it crawled up into Paul's Gulch and is now denying society the benefit of its genius."

Newt Gingrich: "My penis loves adventure. It's always exploring new places"

Chris Christie: "It's an innie."

Mitt Romney: "Currently, it's like the Iron Rod of 1 Nephi 8:19-32, but it can also be anything you want it to be.

Rudy Giuliani: ""America's Alderman' is still severely chaffed from 9/11."

Michele Bachmann: "I don't recall having one. I bet someone stole it when they confiscated my light bulbs!"

Mike Huckabee: "My penis was a homosexualist. I tried to change it by teaching it to play baseball, but that hurt like the dickens. Eventually, I heeded the words of 2 Cor. 6:14 about being unequally yoked and gave it a good Leviticus 20:13 stoning.

Donald Trump: "It's fucking huge and lit in neon. And the hair--it's the finest you can buy anywhere."

A helmet tip to the incredible Nicole Belle.


  1. I'm going to bookmark this so I can look at it next year after the repubs have selected a candidate. I am afraid they actually may be able to pull off a win (so to speak) and I will need something to make me smile.

    Thanks very much!

  2. Will a photocopy of the said penis be acceptable? I've got lots of photocopies.

  3. I'll same the same thing about this issue that I said during the Clenis Years: Pictures. Lots of pictures. On billboards, all over the country. It'll be like living in a French art museum. Only when the Presidential dingus is flashed across the land will America become a truly decent nation.

    Let's do it quick, because I read in an Italian newspaper two weeks ago that Berlusconi is planning to do the same thing there, with an 800 number to call for the under-17 crowd if they want to be in touching.

  4. What a great idea!

    It's not like Muslim men are circumcised or anything, is it?

    Mind you, I can see the requirement to be circumcised really putting that eeeeeevil Hilary Clinton off running!

  5. General Sir! Is it time for all great patriots to send photographs of our little soldiers to the Arizona election commission so that we may be preapproved for leadership in the new confederacy?

  6. Any comment from Mamma Grizzly Palin?

  7. When we are allowed to vote online I am ready to verify. The purple helmeted twit pic-o-la dix. Ending voter fraud as we know it. One twit pic at a time.

  8. Sarah's angry because lame stream bloggers refuse to talk about her penis

  9. Sir General Sir:

    Now that the Prezzy Penis ID Act is being passed, I imagine that native born teen age boys all across America will be spending a lot of time alone with their penis to make sure it is of presidential caliber.

    Tis a great day to be an American! Salute!

    Sammy-samm-samm-Samwise Galenorn

  10. Comrade Bukko,

    I always respect and admire your posts, but in this case I believe you have been mistaken. Post penis' (peni?) everywhere will backfire. Obama is a black man, and you know what they say about them. Pictures of a big black willy will intimidate all of us. How could you ever vote out the guy with the biggest todger on a billboard? It would be against our very natures!
    Having billboarded penis pics will lead to Obama in the whitehouse forever.

  11. Brother BC: In response to your question, I have a one-word answer: Tattoos.

    When the prezinitial pizzle is plastered in so many places that it sets the new standard for man lanyards, all the white guys in America will have to get their dinks inked. Painful, yes, but the temporary swelling from the 3.2 inches of solid needlework might provide some benefits. Except for the two weeks of constant, searing agony when it's used as Mother intended, of course.

    Lucky for unAmericans like you and me, we won't need to subject ourselves to that, eh mate? Although I've heard it's a trend Down Under for blokes to have their todgers tattied with the team colours for their footie or rugger side. I barracked for St. Kilda when I was there, so I'll have to add a bit of the blackfella myself.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.