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Thursday, April 14, 2011

My kind of Bible

I try to read World Net Daily every day right after I shave my hogs. This story about the new Bible must have come on the same day as Rush's (my old boar) terrible lathering accident--had to eat him after that--because I don't remember reading it.

The "Good As New Bible" sounds like my kind of scripture. It gets rid of all those flowery thees and thous and all those other ladies' words and uses language a real patriot can understand.

Here are a few examples from the WND article:
Matthew 26:69-70

Authorized version: "Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, 'Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.' But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest."

New: "Meanwhile Rocky was still sitting in the courtyard. A woman came up to him and said: 'Haven't I seen you with Jesus, the hero from Galilee?" Rocky shook his head and said: 'I don't know what the hell you're talking about!'"

Mark 1:4

Authorized version: "John did baptize in the wilderness, and preach the baptism of repentance for the remission of sins."

New: "John, nicknamed 'The Dipper,' [I bet Mr. The Baptist was a Skoal man] was 'The Voice.' He was in the desert, inviting people to be dipped, to show they were determined to change their ways and wanted to be forgiven."

Mark 1:10-11

Authorized version: "And straightway coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him. And there came a voice from the heaven saying, Thou art my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."

New: "As he was climbing up the bank again, the sun shone through a gap in the clouds. At the same time a pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God's spirit was with him. A voice from overhead was heard saying, 'That's my boy! You're doing fine!'"

1 Corinthians 7:1-2

KJV: "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."

New: "Some of you think the best way to cope with sex is for men and women to keep right away from each other. That is more likely to lead to sexual offences. My advice is for everyone to have a regular partner."

1 Corinthians 7:8-7

KJV: "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."

New: "If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated."
A helmet tip to reader DK.

And as long as we're talking about dipping:

Our old friend, Skoalrebel, finally made it to the big time.


  1. I can only imagine what the bastards have done with The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

  2. Sweet, simperin' JESUS, with just a pinch between cheek and gum, sez:

    "Take this and suck on it, alla'y'all, and when you spit, spit in my name."

  3. I particularly liked the radical re-yelling of John 11:35, the shortest verse in Teh Holey Bibble, "Jeebus wept." It's always bothered me how tehghey that sounded. A 900-foot-tall Avenging Deity who can shoot lightning bolts from His Eyeballs is not going to waste time crying.

    That's why it's good that the Good as Nudes Bible corrected it to "Jesus SPAT."

  4. Sir General Sir:

    At what time will real mannly Republican Americans actually read the bible? Either the old one, or this new one?



We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.