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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Gingrich Announcement Sparks Trading Frenzy

Newt Gingrich's decision to run for president sparked massive gains in the Extramarital Blow Jobs Futures market. Although I'm not sure what extramarital blow jobs are exactly, Cletus assures me that they are a good thing, a very very good thing.

I'm not so sure about that. Extramarital blow jobs sounds like an ecoslamunistofascist plot to construct wind farms on polygamist compounds. Maybe Newt is going after Mitt's base.


  1. General, Sir:

    We may have to accept that Cletus might NOT be a goddamned liar in the instant case.

    I cannot say with any certainty that E-mBJ's* are a good thing or not, never having been married. P-mBJ'**s or NEITFLGGFMBJ's*** ARE, at least in my experience, worth the time invested, assuming that one is the passive party in such a transaction and that the active party is a notman of the opposite sex****.

    * Extra-marital Blow Jobs
    ** Pre-marital Blow Jobs
    *** Never Ever In This Fucking Life Gonna Get Fucking Married
    ****The "Craig Gambit" being an example of the problems encountered when one does not insure those conditions being operant, particularly in airport men's rooms.

  2. It wasn't Noot's fault that he was getting Hoovered by his secretaries those two times when he was still married to the previous secretary! It's was Bill Clinton's fault! That's how powerful the Clenis is, hypnotizing all men with its sinuous dance like a one-eyed cobra in those Hindian snake-charming rituals. The Clenis is so mighty, it makes other fellas lose control of their morality too!

  3. E-mBJ = the only grounds for impeaching a President of the United States. Starting a war under false pretenses, however, is perfectly legal.

  4. Newt says he's now a good Catholic hubby...but I wonder if he has Future Wife #4 working "Down There" these days?

  5. Mitt's base may be well covered, but I believe if Noot gets his hands on it, Mitt may like it and squeak like a little girl... cause Noot's that kinda guy

  6. I'm sick of being presidented over by someone with a weird name like Barack Obama. That's why I'm voting for Newt Gingrich.

  7. Sir, he turned ME into a NEWT! Well, I did get better.

  8. I'd say Blow Job Futures is a bubble that's gonna pop soon. Anyways, 'bout ever time I been told I'd get somethin' in the future, in return for favors done today, the future turns out to be indefinitely further away than I'd expected.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.