Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth
Dear Mr. LaBarbera,
I've almost completed all my arrangements for the Rapture on May 21. I've practiced duct taping spatulas, bags of Cheetos, and copies of "Red Dawn" and "Atlas Shrugged" to my body. I've almost completed the harness I'll need to strap Sheila, the militia morale sheep, to my back. It looks like I'll be able to take all the comforts of home with me on that glorious day when Jesus calls me home.
Well, almost all--I'm leaving my leather chaps behind. I don't have any room to carry them, and I'm afraid that if I wear them, my ass will get frostbitten as I'm raptured through the upper part of the atmosphere.
That's why I've decided to leave my chaps for you. Let's face it, you're not getting raptured with your history of watching all that porn. It doesn't matter if it was only for research, you still give the rest of us rapturees the creeps. We don't need your kind creeping-up our Heaven experience.
Yeah, I know it's unfair, but at least you'll get a good pair of chaps you can use on your homosexualist infiltratin' missions. That's worth a smile isn't it?
Let me know where to send them so I can get them in the mail before the 21st.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
