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Monday, May 09, 2011

Preparing for the Rapture on May 21, 2011

Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. LaBarbera,

I've almost completed all my arrangements for the Rapture on May 21. I've practiced duct taping spatulas, bags of Cheetos, and copies of "Red Dawn" and "Atlas Shrugged" to my body. I've almost completed the harness I'll need to strap Sheila, the militia morale sheep, to my back. It looks like I'll be able to take all the comforts of home with me on that glorious day when Jesus calls me home.

Well, almost all--I'm leaving my leather chaps behind. I don't have any room to carry them, and I'm afraid that if I wear them, my ass will get frostbitten as I'm raptured through the upper part of the atmosphere.

That's why I've decided to leave my chaps for you. Let's face it, you're not getting raptured with your history of watching all that porn. It doesn't matter if it was only for research, you still give the rest of us rapturees the creeps. We don't need your kind creeping-up our Heaven experience.

Yeah, I know it's unfair, but at least you'll get a good pair of chaps you can use on your homosexualist infiltratin' missions. That's worth a smile isn't it?

Let me know where to send them so I can get them in the mail before the 21st.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    Does this mean that Sheliah will be getting "sheared" when she gets co-raptured with you? Could you send some pix, both the "wooly" and "notwooly" varieties?

    Oh, before I forget. If you're going to send Mr. Onan LaBarberian the chaps you should prolly send him the footlocker full of back issues of "Mandate", "Honcho", "Playguy" and "Black Inches" (is that about metric conversions, or somethin'?) that's under your bed. Oh, yeah, AND the case of gallon sized jars of "AstroGlide". I mean, I think that footlocker is still under your bed where I've never seen it. Damn, I gotta go over to the motor pool and see if I can replace the thermostat on the Command Vehicle.

  2. General, Sir:

    Not to be threadjackin' but I just read where Missy Barebackman is lookin' for a "special annointing" to confirm GOD's message to her that she should run for the pretendsidency.

    I will selflessly volunteer to be one of the "300" for that video.

  3. I've almost completed the harness I'll need to strap Sheila, the militia morale sheep, to my back.

    Whoa! I thought WE got on the back of the morale sheep, not vice versa. That's the way I been doin' it, and it feels so good. Course, it doesn't feel so good when I think about it afterwards and start feeling guilty, but for those three minutes of pure joy... OK, 90 seconds of joy. I can't help it. But I haven't heard any complaints from the sheep.

  4. Col. Canukko:

    I'm not exactly sure how to say this, Y'see, it's not so much that one gets on the sheep's back, it's more that one ascertains that he sheep in question is, in fact, Sheliah or one of her clones and not Bruce the sacrificial ram.

  5. I must admit, having the morale sheep mount your back is... immoral.... yet very curiosity arousing.
    How does Sheila do.. I mean, where does it go? Doesn't she just have a sailor in a boat under there?

  6. It seems that there is another group on the scene with a new perspective in disputing Camping's prophesies. They make a compelling statement that "Jesus is here now." Check out their billboard which I think will stir the pot a bit.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.