In preparation for Saturday's Rapture, I'm sharing my top ten rapture tips:
10. Pass gas before leaving atmosphere to prevent embarrassing trajectory changes.
9. Bring a firearm in case some bastard cuts you off at the Kolob exit.
8. Refrain from drinking liquids--God ain't going to pull over.
7. Good manners dictate that you shake Jesus' hand before hugging Ayn Rand and punching Gandhi.
6. Call out greetings to friends immediately after liftoff--in space, no one can hear you scream.
5. To decrease atmospheric friction, refrain from using Cialis, Viagra, or any other hardening agents after midnight on Friday.
4. Wear clean underwear; you don't want to embarrass your mother if you're the bastard who cuts me off at the Kolob exit.
3. Bring a big bottle of Aquafina. Jesus loves a good wine.
2. Don't buzz the Jews.
1. Keep your sunroof open.