Fox News Channel
Dear Mr. Ailes,
Early this morning, I discovered I had lost an important voicemail from my life drill instructor (he's like a life coach, but he screams a lot, calls me "maggot," and constantly questions my masculinity.) I'm pretty upset. I've saved that voice mail for years. I like to listen to it when... Well, that's not important.
I'm wondering if you, or your colleagues at News Corp, could help me out by sending me a copy of that voice mail. I received it some time around Flag Day, last year, I think, if that helps.
I just had a thought. You should make recovering lost voice mails a regular Fox News feature--you know, something like CNN "Heroes." I'm thinking once a week, the "Fox and Friends" crew could dip into the corporate files, retrieve a copy of a lost voice mail, and give it to the lucky person who thought it was gone forever. It'd be like when that old sixties show, "Operation Entertainment" would surprise a soldier by bringing his wife to Vietnam, but without the Cowsills music. You could call it "Fox News' Voice Mail Recovery Rangers."
Heck, why not make it a full-fledged show. You need something lighthearted now that Glenn Beck is gone. You could model it on "This is Your Life," and surprise celebrity guests by playing their voice mails to them. I bet Mitch McConnell's are a riot. I'd be glad to help you get it off the ground.
Please put your people to work on finding my lost voice mail. Listening to it, uh, helps me to get to sleep at night.
Gen JC Christian, patriot