Shakin' your Washington Monument in the Wrong Place

Since its erection almost 127 years, the Washington Monument has stood tall as a hard, rigid symbol of American power, its long, marble-hard shaft piercing the sky like an pencil penetrating the soft, warm flesh of a freshly-plucked tomato. But now, it has sinned and is paying a price for its iniquity.

It all began a few years ago, when the Hilton Mark Center was built across the river in Alexandria. At 338 feet tall, it dominated the DC Metro skyline. It's tall but chubby form drew the Washington Monument's attention like a cabin boy on a Baptist cruise.

Marcus Bachmann saw what was happening and tried to intervene. For weeks, he gently petted the monuments hard surface, whispering softly to it, encouraging it to focus its attention on the soft, enticing curve of the Capital Dome. But eventually, he had to give up, the constant shaft stroking put thoughts, wicked thoughts, into his head. His salvation and his wife's political ambitions were at stake. He had to stop.

Now, as Pastor Pat Robertson notes, Jesus sent an earthquake to punish the monument for its wickedness:

...the Washington Monument is a symbol of America’s power, it has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and say this is one nation under God. Now there’s a crack in it, there’s a crack in it and it’s closed up. Is that a sign from the Lord?

Rabbi Yehuda Levin--who, although his commitment to Jesus is questionable, is one heck of a courageous culture warrior--adds:

One of the reasons that God brings earthquakes to the world is because of the transgression of homosexuality. The Talmud states, 'You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn't belong. I too, will shake the earth.

And so, Jesus did bring an earthquake, and it cracked America's male member. Woe be unto us for our wickedness, for our members too shall be cracked. Jesus, will slam them in a great and terrible door of judgement until they shatter in repentance.