Louisiana's Prostitution Populism

Gene Mills
President
Louisiana Family Forum

Dear Mr. Mills,

I know you're a big fan of both Sen. David Vitter and Plaquemines Parish President Billy Nungesser. And I bet you're proud that with Pres. Nungesser now in the race for lieutenant governor, Louisiana may be the first state in the nation to have two notorious harlot hounds holding statewide elective office at the same time.

But one has to wonder, is this the beginning of a new tradition, or, like the Tea Party, is it simply a momentary expression of prostitution populism?

It's a good bet that the former is the case, given that the Republican Party of Louisiana, with Vitter and Nungesser, has already made patronizing prostitutes a requirement for candidacy.

But what are you doing to ensure that tomorrow's family values warriors are expressing their heterosexuality in an appropriate, free-market-based manner? Are you doing anything to identify and mentor the next generation of good, Christian prostitution populists?

Perhaps you could add a few new questions to your candidate questionnaire to help you spot potential up and comers. I'm thinking of questions along these lines:

• Q: Have you ever rented a hot and saucy helpmeet?
• Q: Do you enjoy having a hired woman, with a name like Mistress X, ram a burning alter candle deep into your secret parts?
• Q: Does marital sex for reasons other than procreation constitute a dangerous assault on the free market principles that made this nation great?
• Q: Can you effectively argue that yes, it is indeed possible to acquire anal warts from a toilet seat?

I think that's enough to get you a good start. Please drop me a note if you need further help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot