Time to Dig Up the Gipper

It's official. All our pleading and begging was for naught. Chris Christie is out. That leaves us Republicans with the most embarrassing slate of presidential candidates since 2008. I mean my God, we may hang tea bags from our tricorn hats, but, Jesus, do we have to pretend we support Gingrich, Perry, Romney, and the rest? It's damned demeaning.

I've been looking for another presidential savior all day. I had a good line on a big, mean, mangy dog, but his owner wouldn't agree to let him run. She worried Rep. Bachmann might bite him, or even worse, use her crazy eyeball emissions to shatter his psyche like she did with Rick Santorum.

Then, I remembered a Facebook campaign I launched during the last presidential cycle. I called it "Dig Up Dutch '08." My plan was to dig up our greatest leader, Ronald Wilson Reagan, and run his corpse for president.

The plan to dig up Dutch was very popular. People flocked to it. We quickly raised enough money for a shovel, but no one had a gunnysack. For lack of burlap, the OBAMUNIST USURPER is our president.

It's time to try again. I've renamed the Facebook group. It's called, "Dig up Dutch's Digits '12." Yeah, I said "digits". I'm setting my sights lower this time, so we won't need a gunnysack--a lunch pail will be enough. We'll dig up the Gipper's hand and sew it onto Fred Thompson' forehead.

Think about that for a moment--It combines the charisma of our greatest president's desiccated hand with the former senator's pure natural animal sexuality. We can't lose.

Here's the group's description:

A group dedicated to digging up our sainted Ronald Reagan's desiccated hand, attaching it to Fred Thompson's forehead and running it for president in '12. Face it, with our current candidates, the GOP will be lucky to pull more than 22% of the vote. Hand-Headed Thompson will make a great president. The Gipper's hand is just as alert as it was in 1980. Combined with Thompson's natural animal sexuality, the Dutch's Didgets are a sure winner.

So sign up for "Dig up Dutch's Digits '12," and if you think you can score a lunch pail, please send me a note.