Sheriff's Protocol For Identifying Angels, Spirits, and Demons

Sheriff Henry Patterson
Liberty County, Texas

Dear Sheriff Patterson,

I can't say I'm surprised you're being sued. People get angry when you dig up their trailer park looking for a mass grave. And it sure as hell doesn't help when they learn you did so because you were tipped by Angel the Prophetess, who claims she got the information from Jesus and a chorus of 32 angels.

Given the results, it's likely they weren't really angels at all. I'm betting they were Lucifer's minions.

You need to be more careful in the future. You have to vet your confidential prophetesses, and even more importantly, their 32 angels. I can help you.

The Doctrine and Covenants, which, along with the Book of Mormon, the KJV Bible, and the Pearl of Great Price, is one of the four standard scriptural works of the Mormon Church, tells us how to tell the difference between angels, "perfected men," and devils. It's found in Section 129, which describes a chat Our Heavenly Father had with the prophet, Joseph Smith, in Nauvoo, IL on Feb. 9, 1843 (I imagine them drinking Postum and punching each other in the shoulder as they shot the breeze):

D&C, Section 129

1 There are two kinds of beings in heaven, namely: Angels, who are resurrected personages, having bodies of flesh and bones—

2 For instance, Jesus said: Handle me and see, for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have.

3 Secondly: the spirits of just men made perfect, they who are not resurrected, but inherit the same glory.

4 When a messenger comes saying he has a message from God, offer him your hand and request him to shake hands with you.

5 If he be an angel he will do so, and you will feel his hand.

6 If he be the spirit of a just man made perfect he will come in his glory; for that is the only way he can appear—

7 Ask him to shake hands with you, but he will not move, because it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to deceive; but he will still deliver his message.

8 If it be the devil as an angel of light, when you ask him to shake hands he will offer you his hand, and you will not feel anything; you may therefore detect him.

9 These are three grand keys whereby you may know whether any administration is from God.

So there you have it. Offer to shakes hands. If he, and it is always a he, refuses, he's a righteous ghost--not to be confused with the Holy Ghost, a deity that doesn't get the respect He deserves. I mean hey, Jesus gets Christmas, Easter, and all the credit for touchdowns; Our Heavenly Father gets his props at Republican and Amway Conventions; but the Holy Ghost doesn't get jack. That just ain't right.

And the thing is that the Holy Ghost has the best shtick of them all. Sure Jesus can turn ditch water into a fine cabernet, and God can turn a guy's rib into a chick, but the Holy Ghost can transform himself into a dove. He's a god damned weredove! How freaking cool is that? A flippin' weredove. Yet, no one gives a damn. It's a travesty.

The Holy Ghost should at least have His own holiday. We should give Him Halloween. That seems appropriate. We could honor Him by wearing sheets and trying to influence each other's decisions.

Sorry for going off on a tangent, but damn, man, the Holy Ghost is a freaking weredove!

OK, back on track. As I was saying. If the messenger refuses to shake your hand, he's a perfected man who doesn't have a body. If he shakes your hand and you feel it, he's an angel. And if he shakes and your hand feels nothing, run like hell--he's the devil.

I hope I've been helpful.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot