RNC Mystery Speaker Revealed

The patriotsphere has been abuzz with speculation since Republican National Convention officials announced that a mystery speaker is slotted to speak immediately before Elder Romney.

Who could it be? Would the brethren make one last effort to highlight the party's diversity by featuring an unHeartlandishly-hued speaker in that cherished slot? Highly doubtful. Mitt's mystery guest will be preceded at the podium by Marco Rubio. Having two second-tier-Americans pass each other on stage would overwhelm the audience with brownisity, likely causing a peanut blizzard to engulf the stage like Fred Thompson on a senior's last dollar. And besides, who would be left to add color when the cameras sweep the audience?

Whoever the mystery date is, he or she is likely to be more dud than dreamboat--Elder Mitt ain't gonna pick someone who overshadows him, politically. That rules out Sarah Palin, Newt's lip-lock procurer, and the guy who hangs out at teabag-o-ramas dressed like Ben Franklin.

Still, the mystery speaker must be someone who has the ability rally the crowd into believing that Mitt Romney is greater than Jesus Christ and that gal on American Hoggers combined. Only one man has the power to do that. His name is Ronald Reagan.

Think about how crazed the audience will become if a hologram of Grandpa Caligula, himself, took the podium and endorsed Mitt Romney as president. As Tupac showed the world earlier this year, the technology is there. It can be done, and although the Gipper never mentioned Mitt's name in real life, an impersonator and a little animation can make Hologram Ronny say whatever Mitt desires.

But what words would Elder Romney put into Grandpa Caligula's great and purty mouth? I've given it some thought and forwarded the following sound bytes to Team Mitt:

• "Mitt and I are a lot alike. We both served as Governors. We've both been on camera--Bonzo and I in 'Bedtime for Bonzo' and Mitt with George W Bush in 'Curious George...' I think. Heck, I don't know--I was dead when it came out."
• "Only Mitt has the experience needed to persuade Salvadoran freedom fighters to rid our great nation of bus-riding nuns."
• "Only Mitt has the intestinal fortitude to invade the heavily-armed nation of Liechtenstein and free it from the tyranny of Cuban construction workers."
• "Only Mitt has the business know how to finance a war against Iran by selling arms to Iran. OK, Rumsfeld could do that too, but he's getting old."
• "Only Mitt has the moral courage to ignore an epidemic that strikes only those who make us uncomfortable about our own sexuality."
• "Only Mitt has the kind of commitment needed to wage a two front war against pollution by tackling the problems of forests and icecaps simultaneously."

And now for something not completely different.

Here are a few of my favorite RNC convention moments from Tuesday: