Still Another Testament of Jesus Christ

As a Mormon, I bear witness that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. It is scripture, given to the Prophet Joseph Smith in the form of golden plates by the Angel Moroni. It tells the story of Jesus' ministry to the Jewish Indians we call Lamenites.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

OK, now that I've born my testimony, I have to tell you about yet another testament of Jesus Christ. This time, He ministers to our tiniest brothers, the Spermatizoan-Americans of our vas deferens.

You can see his holy visage on the sonogram of a testicle that appears below.



More here.

A helmet tip to Edie Howe who is one heck of a great photographer.

Savior Spotting

I started keeping tabs on Jesus awhile back to ensure we have an edge when the End Times begin. I figured that if I could identify the moment Jesus left for Jerusalem (or Jackson County, MO), we could short our stocks and make a great Christ-based killing.

Unfortunately, we'll have to wait a little longer for our windfall. He's hanging around in Orange County.

 

Holy Virgin Spotting

Regular readers may recall that I'm trying to keep track of Jesus sightings. My plan is to keep tabs on the Christ so we'll know the moment he heads off to Jerusalem for the glorious slaughterfest that'll signal the beginning of the End Times. Then, I alert you, my readers, so you can sell your stocks short and make a killing. As I've said before, it's what our Republican redeemer would do.

It's been awhile since I've reported a savior spotting. So long in fact, I was going to tell you to call your brokers today. Fortunately, I received an email from Rene ala Carte before I hit the publish button. He reports that Our Lord's mother is currently appearing on a cookie sheet in Houston. Surely, the Savior wouldn't leave mom behind if he was going to Jerusalem, so I think it's safe to hold on to our stocks a little longer.

Finding Jesus

Steve O. reports the latest sighting.

Unfortunately, he doesn't tell us if he's in Jerusalem, so we don't know whether we should sell our stocks short. Bad Steve, bad, bad.

Whoops. I should have linked to John Owens.

Savior Spotting

Although hanging out in prisons can be a lot of fun at first, it gets boring very quickly. The prisoners have no choice other to accept that, but our Lord, Jesus, being God's only begotten son, has other options. That's why you're just as likely these days to spot him on a grilled cheese sandwich as you are in the D-Block storeroom trading barbs with the Aryan Brotherhood wrestling team--check that, you're more likely to see him on a grilled cheese sandwich. Lately, Our Lord and Savior has been popping up everywhere.

That's why I'm starting a new feature here at Jesus' General called Finding Jesus. My plan is to keep tabs on the Christ so we'll know the moment he heads off to Jerusalem for the glorious slaughterfest that'll signal the beginning of the End Times. Then, I alert you, my readers, so you can sell your stocks short and make a killing. It's what our Republican redeemer would do.

Of course, I can't do this on my own. I'll need your help. So if you see Jesus, or run across a report of a sighting, let me know, and I'll post it here.

The latest sighting I have to report occurred a few months ago when Jesus appeared on an MRI (see the photo at the top of this post). We have to get a lot better at spotting him if we want this plan to work. If you have anything more recent, I want to hear about it.

Update: Liz and Lindsey confirm that the Lord has a thing for medical imaging devices (ultrasound this time) and thingwarbler points us to a miraculous tomato. That's "tomato" pronounced with a good, American "long a" and, contrary to what the owner says, this tomato is a strong, sinewy, manly vegetable. The Savior does not appear on fruit.

Update II: And here's commenter John's ultrasound.

Update III: Our first false sighting. That ain't Jesus on that shrimp tail. It's Che. Goddamn commie crustaceans.