On the Sixth Day, God Created the Trumpet

Sherry Melby

Teacher, Sedalia School District #200
Band parent, Smith-Cotton High School Band

cc: Bradley Pollitt
Assistant Superintendent
Sedalia School District #200

Dear Mrs. Melby,

Kudos to you for opposing the Smith-Cotton High School Band t-shirt which featured Dawinunistofascist imagery. I'm in total agreement with your statement that you "don't think evolution should be associated with our school." Indeed, it shouldn't be associated with any school as far as I'm concerned.

It's refreshing to find a school teacher who's so committed to reviving ancient suspicions about science. Things like evolution, heliocentrism, and plate tectonics cause our children to question the literal truths found in our Holy Bible, and should, therefore, have no place in our academies of learning. I long for the day to return when teachers, like yourself, instruct our children to hide under their desks until a solar eclipse passes, least they be struck down by the angry God who took the sun away. I hope you're doing that.

As for the band t-shirts, I fear that simply destroying them is not enough. You need to do something about the philosophy behind them: this "brass evolution" idea that somehow "brass instruments have evolved in music from the 1960s to modern day." The band students need to hear the truth. They need someone like you to stand up in front of them and say, "On the sixth day, God created the trumpet," and then tell the story about how the trumpet was lonely, so God created a coronet out of its spit valve to be its companion. And then how Satan, taking the form of a french horn, got them thrown out of Mr. Jehovah's band class for stuffing those mute cone things in their bell holes.

Only then, can we be certain of our children's salvation.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and non-mute-cone-stuffing kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The mystery of the beard

Brian Thomas, M.S.
Institute for Creation Research

Dear Mr. Thomas,

I've always wondered why God gave men facial hair. I figured He was trying to help us avoid temptation by providing us with a means of hiding our lips from each other, but that didn't make much sense. Some men have very thin facial hair that doesn't hide the lips at all. And of course the thought of a big hairy cop mustache tickling away like carbon deposits on a V-8's pistons is a big temptation in itself, isn't it.

I knew someone in the Christ-based science community must have an explanation for this mystery of the beard, and now I've found it. Your article in Acts and Facts answered all my questions:

[I]f everything was created by a God who exists outside the physical world, there is a ready answer, one with broad application: beards present a certain appearance. Aesthetic features were emplaced by Someone who knew how things look in addition to how things work. Beards do not confer any selectable survival advantage to humankind, but they do serve to add distinction to men, perhaps as different features distinguish women.

It would be consistent to think that it simply pleased the Creator to outfit humans and other creatures with certain visually appealing characteristics. "But God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him" (1 Corinthians 15:38)...

In addition to this, and by His grace, God provided humans with the ability to recognize and appreciate beauty, distinguishing it from ugliness. Only with this ability can people give God proper credit for inventing human beards, lion manes, peacock feathers, salamander spots, crustacean coloration, ultraviolet color patterns in deep sea fish (where there is no ultraviolet light), and the hot-pink spiny dragon millipede discovered in Greater Mekong. All these creatures could conceivably serve their purposes and be ugly, but instead they seem to have been uniquely adorned by a Master Artist.

So that's the answer. God gave us beards for two reasons. First, they serve as a visual clue so we don't confuse men with women; and second, because God digs beards.

I suppose that also explains back hair and all the other hair I have growing on my ears, arms, and taint. Ofjoshua really hates that last one. It's like a forest down there and the hairs are very long. She's always taunting me about it, saying I'm long everywhere but where it counts.

But now, I have a response. God loves my taint hair. He thinks it's beautiful.

I think I'll braid it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Bill Nye the Science Guy insults God and Texas

We teabagger-Americans have put up with a lot--jokes about grenade sucking, comments about the intelligence of someone who supports Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, homosexual teletubbies, sushi--but, by God, we don't need no fancy Seattle science guy coming down to our national homeland, The Republic of Texas, and tellin' us the moon ain't Jesus' light bulb.

Yep, you heard me right. Bill Nye came down to Texas and blasphemed the Lord God of Abraham by claiming the moon does not have it's own light source; it merely reflects the sun.

Here's an eyewitness report:

The Emmy-winning scientist angered a few audience members when he criticized literal interpretation of the biblical verse Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights - the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

A number of audience members left the room at that point, visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence.

“We believe in a God!” exclaimed one woman as she left the room with three young children.

Yes, we believe in God, Mr. Nye, and you're just damned lucky we didn't follow the prophet Elisha's example and have God send a couple of she-bears to eat your secular ass.

Rocket fuel, Buggery, and the Cash

Rep. Warren Chisum
Appropriations Committee Chair
Texas House of Representatives

Dear Chairman Chisum,

Thank you for exposing the Hebrew plot to poison our children's minds with Darwinislamunistofascism and it's evil twin, Copernislamunistofascism. Now it's time to take the next step, and as the chair of the Texas House Appropriations Committee, you're our best hope to do it.

You see, our beloved Texas is home to one of the most influential purveyors of Copernislamunistofascist propaganda, NASA's Johnson Space Center in Houston. It is there that the false prophets of heliocentrism have concocted some of their greatest lies, hoaxes like the great geosynchronous satellite deception and the Mars Mission conspiracies, both of which are exposed at the web site you praised in your memo.

So what can you do about it? NASA is federal agency so you can't defund it, but there are a few measures you can take. First, you could sponsor a resolution demanding that Our Glorious Leader, George W. Bush, shut down the Johnson Space Center. If that doesn't work, you could appropriate funding to remove all of the roads to the facility. Finally, you could punish the Center's director in the same manner as Our Leader pledges to punish Osama bin Laden; that is to "screw him in the ass." That'll teach 'em.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to everyone who wrote me about this and an apology to Winston Churchill.