Soul on Rye

Rep. Stacey Campfield
Tennessee House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Campfield,

You have a choice to make. Are you going let your opponents' combined $17,000 advantage get you down, or are you going to work hard and turn the $27 raised by your campaign thus far into $30? This is a character defining moment for you. The voters of your district are watching to see how you handle it.

If you choose to fight, you'll need to do something to change your image. Let's face it; most people think you're an asshole. They never bought into your attempt to remake yourself as "Stacey X, militant black man." It was just too far of a stretch for most people. You can't blame them. It's hard to picture Opie Taylor marching with Bobby Seal and Eldridge Cleaver.

Unfortunately, it's too late to fully remake yourself again. Admitting that you're as white as mayonnaise won't get you anywhere. A huge majority of the public might not believe that you're really black, but certainly, a portion of your base still buys it. You've got to hold onto them. It's the same strategy Our Leader is using to defend the war. Nearly everyone with an IQ over 85 now believes he lied about WsMD, but you'll never hear Our Leader admit to it--he needs to hold onto Chris Matthews.

So what do you do? I say, "get blacker." I'm referring to appearance rather than attitude; we'll get to that later. How do you do it? Well, the obvious method would be blackface, but I'm told that might be a mistake. Believe it or not, black people aren't fooled by it. We might find it hard to pick Eddy Cantor out in an Apollo Theater audience, but I understand that real black people would spot him right away.

I'd go with hypnotism. There's a conservative activist in Las Vegas who could probably help. He likes to hypnotize women into thinking he's Mickey Mouse. He says it turns them into sex machines. I say we get him to hypnotize your constituency into believing that you're black, and, more specifically, a non-threatening kind of black man. No more of this militant Stacey X stuff. I'm thinking more along the lines of Al Roker. People love him.

Good luck on turning your campaign around.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to MzNicky.