This is my rifle...
Dear. Rep DeLay,
I'm writing you about this here semi-automatic rifle ban legislation. I'm against it. I need a semi-automatic rifle if I'm ever going to bag a perp. If you make it illegal, I'll never kill anyone. I'll be the only guy in the neighborhood who hasn't nailed a perp yet. Mike's starting to call me a sissy boy. I'm thinking that he might be a secret perp, himself.
You'd love my semi-automatic rifle. It's a .50 caliber Barrett M82A1. Man, it is huge. I feel like a God when I press its 57 inches of rock hard steel against my body, gently coaxing the trigger into its release point when the .50 BMG cartridge explodes in a violent orgy of power driving it's 800 gr. wadcutter load down the length of the barrel, gushing out in a spurt of uncontrolled glorious power. I'm left spent and quivering for what seems like hours afterwards, barely able to do anything more than smoke a cigarette.
It's is a good feeling. It's about the only joy I have now that my "little soldier" has stopped standing at attention and I'm no longer able to fulfill my marital responsibilities. Please don't take it way from me too.
Gen. JC Christian, Patriot