Jesus' General

Spanking our way to a November victory

Dear Dr. Dykes,

Today was a great day. First, I learned on 60 Minutes that Our Leader runs all of his foreign policy initiatives by God before initiating them. Then, I found your official Bush/Cheney 2004 web site, Pastors for Bush. It was as if religion, politics, and government all came together for the first time for me.

A particular line you wrote in the Pastors for Bush site seemed to reach out and slap me hard across my backside. It's the line on the America's Youth page where you bemoan the fact that so few parents spank their children now days. That got me to thinking that we live in an age where spanking monkeys is celebrated and spanking children brings a visit from the Child Welfare Department. There's something wrong with that.

I looked around the web to see if I could find anything else on the subject and, eventually, I came across your sermon on spanking. Your fond recollections of the sweet sting of your mother's switch and the authoritative scourge of your father's doubled up belt reminded me of the comfort I found when my parents wielded their own instruments of discipline, the spatula of love, the paddle of togetherness, and the stock whip of repentance.

Until this moment, I have been unable to express the love I felt for my parents as they laid leather to my little behind. Now I understand that they taught me that violence is love. For that, I'll be forever grateful.

We need to integrate this message more fully into Our Leader's campaign--one line in an official campaign website is not enough. I'm thinking that we should ask the President to declare a National Day of Spanking like he does for the National Day of Prayer. On that day, he could encourage us to spank our children, and perhaps, to be spanked ourselves if we've been naughty. You could be the official spokesman, teaching people how to conduct a proper spanking, like you do in your sermon where you tell parents to use a device rather than a hand.

You might consider asking Bill Bennett and Anne Coulter to be your co-chairs. I've heard that Mr. Bennett is an expert on spanking and Miss Coulter seems like someone who would be. You might also consider Jonah Goldberg. I have a feeling that God wants Jonah to spank G Gordon Liddy, publicly. I don't know why that picture keeps popping up in my mind's eye, but it does. Perhaps, it's God's way of telling me that this National Day of Spanking is a good idea.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot