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Sunday, October 17, 2004

Reviewing O'Reilly

My review of The O'Reilly Factor for Kids is up at Amazon. I hope you find it helpful. If so, be sure to give it your vote.

Here's what I wrote:

He doesn't connect well with children, October 17, 2004
Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States)

I'm a big fan of Bill O'Reilly, so I had high expectations for this book. Unfortunately, it fell far short of meeting them.

I don't think he knows how to talk to kids. I didn't get the references to falafel and loofas in the discussion about sex, and I doubt kids will either. I also have reservations about his tips on phone etiquette, pleasing your boss, and naming your toys.

There are a number of other reviews that you should consider casting a vote either for or against as well.

I have the perfect place on my shelf for this book:, October 17, 2004
Reviewer: Political Reader "Atticus" (SF, CA USA)
I'm going to put it between the Way Drugs Ought to Make Me Feel by Rush H. Limbaugh and Bill Bennet's the Virtues of Bookies.

Wonderful advice for kids , October 17, 2004
Reviewer: Burns Eunice (Talent, Oregon)
My favorite quote from Bill: "Kids, I can't stress it enough: If you're going to engage in "self pleasure" while sexually harrassing an attractive young female employee over the telephone, make sure she isn't recording the call."

I had no idea who Bill O'Reilly was when, October 16, 2004
Reviewer: D. Folsom (Mountain Home, Ark.)
I bought this book for my troubled teenage son. After reading it he skipped town with a 10 year old girl from down the street with plans to work for the Bush campaign in Key West. The little punk stole my vibrator and a "No Spin Zone" teeshirt from his uncle.

Hey kids!, October 16, 2004
Reviewer: Michael J. Jones "pumacub" (USA)
Uncle Bill says go tell your parents to buy you this book for you, or else someday they will get a knock on their front door and their lives will change forever. SHUT UP, stop crying like a big whining liberal babies, and just go tell your parents to buy this book. Relax, I did not put anything in here about my vibrator or other kinky things. You will have to go to to find out all about that. Hurry, because my boss Mr Ailes will have that web site shut down soon. Listen up, all you little girls out there, you need to read my book and maybe if you're really lucky and a Republican you can come work for me and we can have some really fun phone calls, ok?

After reading this, kids will be hungry for a "falafel"!, October 15, 2004
Reviewer: Rusty Limpball "Smoochy" (Palm Beach, FL)
A great book for young minds! Kids need to learn as young as possible that this is a dangerous world. Al Franken might find out someday how dangerous this world really is when he answers his door! And what a better example of potential danger to young kids than Bill O'Reilly? Whatever you do, don't let your kids take a shower in the Caribbean islands after reading this book! Seriously, kids need to learn that when you go see a "girl" at a sex show in Thailand, that they might show you things in a backroom that will blow your mind. And be sure to leave your pregnant wife at home when you travel to Italy, kids! Those hot Italian women, don't ya know? Kids, take full advantage of President Bush's "No Child Left Behind" plan and learn how to read first before buying this book. There aren't many good pictures of Bill and his assistant, like you can find on the "internets". And remember, Bill knows some powerful people kids. Don't mess with him. And remember, if you don't agree with Bill, just "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

Top 10 Rejected Alternate Titles, October 15, 2004
Reviewer: Chris T "ceetee99" (Omaha)
8. Children, THIS is a Lufa Sponge
7. Take a Shower Every Day, In the Carribean if Possible
6. Never Ever Use the Internet, especially The Smoking Gun.Com
5. Perverts, and the Perverting Perverts who Pervert Them
4. Don't Get Your Way? Just Get Roger Ailes to Kill Them
3. All Little Girls Have Massaging Devices
2. Look Out!!! Its Uncle Karma!!!

Now comes with a handy vibrator!, October 15, 2004
Reviewer: William Ding "phelix17" (Chicago, IL USA)
Now you and your family can use the same vibrator that Bill O'Reilly uses when he makes indecent telephone calls while cheating on his wife and family! The Dominator is exact same model Mr O'Reilly uses on himself while practicing strong, moral values in hotel rooms. It's the one time where the No Spin Zone becomes a Total Spin Zone, ooh-la-la! Offer is limited, so get yours, and boy do we mean get yours, today!

Filled with informative material for young children, October 14, 2004
Reviewer: Spin Zoned (FNC, NYC)
I particularly enjoyed the chapter on sexual harrassment, it provided invaluable advice on how to deal with powerful bosses demanding sexplay.

All young Americans can learn a great deal by perusing this book by one of the most moral men on the planet. Now pass the falafel, its O'Reilly Time!

Here are some of the techniques this book will be able to pass down to younger generations:

* How to interview porn stars, ostensibly to chastize them for their lack of "morals" whilst simultaneously getting so aroused, you have to take it out on your coworkers.

* How to help guide a troubled woman young enough to be a daughter out of the turbulent rapids of being single with well-timed, naggingly persistent advice on vibrators.

* How to take advantage of affordable prostitutes in exotic countries while getting away from your pregnant wife.

* How to descend into complete Philip K. Dick-style mania, threatening hellfire and brimstone on all enemies real or percieved.

* How to be stupid enough to be recorded doing so, and then tellingly avoid denying the charges in favor of paranoid croakings about some political conspiracy by the left wing, even if you claim to be a completely independent person with in an interest in fair and balanced.

In short, this is the book that looks after your children. When you're not around.

Buzzing toys not included, void where prohibited by Bill Bennett.


One more:

Inappropriate for children in the age group given, October 17, 2004
Reviewer: L Goodman-Malamuth "Leslie Goodman-Malamuth" (Washington, D.C.)

As an at-home mother, I was shocked to learn that Mr. O'Reilly thinks that it's acceptable for children to prepare falafel for the family table. Since the oil in which falafel is fried can surpass 375 degrees, serious burns may be sustained by inexperienced cooks.

In addition, Mr. O'Reilly's grasp of hygiene is inadequate. Loofahs may spread infection from one family member to another. Shared loofahs and other bath items must be sterilized between use with boiling water, by microwaving (another possible burn hazard to the young), or by running through two complete dishwasher cycles. And allowing more than one person to share a shower may save water, but it greatly increases the risk of injury due to slipping, scalding, and youthful "high-jinks."

Mr. O'Reilly's flippant approach to telephone etiquette is the third and final reason why I cannot recommend this book to readers of any age. As my sons would say, "Strike three, sir! You're out!"

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