Our Leader would be packing for his return to Crawford if it wasn’t for conservative Christians. Our armies of Jehovah’s fedayeen put him over the top. Now it’s time to pay the troops.
The Chosen One can start by asking his cabinet to turn in their resignations so that we can replace them with Godly people. Here are a few of the General’s recommendations.
Defense – Jimmy Swaggart
I wanted to make him Solicitor General, but then I imagined what would happen if we told him that the entire Arab world winked at him.
State – Bob Jones III
We’d need fewer embassies if we only associated with caucasian countries.
Attorney General – John Ashcroft
I say keep him. Sure, he’s been a little slow in implementing a final solution to the non-believer problem, but he’s done a bang up job of limiting the power of the less important parts of the Constitution like the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Eigth, and Fourteenth Amendments. We also shouldn’t forget how he’s spared us from exposure to Tommy Chong’s bongs and Lady Justice’s pillows of sin.
Education - Kent Hovind
It’s time our children learned that Abraham had a pet dinosaur.
Treasury - Paul Crouch
He’d institute a tithe to replace taxes and hold telethons to bail out our nation’s corporate partners when they get caught gambling with our privatized social security pensions. I can hear him now. “Jesus wants Ken Lay to fly in a Lear Jet.”
Energy – Jerry Falwell
Because there’s something fruity about that Captain Planet guy in the cartoons.
Interior – Phyllis Schafly
Modesty will return to our National Forest system when she sews a giant muu muu for the Grand Tetons.
FEMA - Pat Robertson
Isn’t it time that someone sat down with God and told Him that he’s sending the hurricanes to the wrong states? Who better that Pat to do just that.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.