Trading emails with Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper

I have a couple of other responses to my emails that I haven't posted yet, because I was hoping to get further responses from them. It's been a couple of months now, and I haven't, so I'll post the first one today. It's from Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper.

I wrote him in March, shortly after he performed at CPAC, and asked him if he'd be interested in performing at our Men's Purity Revival and Survivalist Fair in Oct. Here's a excerpt from that letter:

It's going to be a heck of a lot of manly fun. We'll have purity discussions and films, military-style training, Christian Spartan-style wrestling, spiritual warfare, and an Oktoberfest party where we'll drink real near beer and do that Bavarian dance where guys slap each other.

We'd need you to do a rap song at the beginning of each day (four in all), and do two or three raps before and after the wrestling...

At least one of your songs would have to be about the sin of masturbation and another about why we should hate the gay....

Hey, I understand that Michael Savage converted you to conservatism. A song about him would be great. Maybe you could turn his letters to Allen Ginsberg into lyrics. That, my friend, would be very groovy.

We'd pick up airfare, four nights in the hotel, food (if you eat with us), shooting range fees, riding crop, and lederhosen (for the party). What other compensation would you require?

Here's his reply:

Date: Sat, 21 Mar 2009 06:51:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: calvin tanella
Subject: Re: performance

Thanks for the offer! I regret that I will be unable to attend for reasons beyond my control, however, what I can offer you for a small fee (we'll work that out later if you are interested) is to record you a custom made CD with songs about the topics you mentioned, ie: sins of masturbation, homosexuality, why we should worship God and any other topics you see fit. Please let me know what you want to do and if you are interested, send me any talking points you want me to include in the songs.

Conservatively Yours,
Hi-Caliber...

And my response:

Thanks Mr. Caliber. We'd probably want to have a song about gladiators too, because I'm thinking I'd want to call it "God's Gladiators." Maybe it could be like a theme album about a Christian gladiator who loves the Lord and fights the urges to pat his robertson and engage in acts of sodomy with the same gusto he brings to battling Goths in the arena. I can even picture the cover. It'd be a statue in the ancient style of the Romans. You know, one of those naked warrior things. But it would be you, holding a sword and wearing a gladiator helmet and nothing else. And we'd cover you with flour to make you look like a statue. I'm not really into nakedness, but this would be like art. No skin would be shown because of the flour. We'd have to really work it in though, especially on your little gladiator. It'd have to look like marble.

I have the sword and gladiator helmet. I'm a collector. I bet I have the most extensive collection of gladiator movies anywhere. I like to put on my gladiator costumes and watch them. You should come sometime. We'd drink root beer, eat Frito pie and pork rinds, watch gladiator movies, and wrestle. That'd be fun.

Anyway, what would that CD thing (songs and cover art) cost?

He hasn't responded.

Letters

I've been DJing good Christian music at a party for SeattleDan and SeattleTammy and don't have time to post, so I thought I'd just quickly show you where to find some of the responses I've received to my letters.

Dinesh and me

I suggest that Dinesh D'Souzas choice of a leopard skin patterned carpet in his den might be evidence that he has fallen into the clutches of perversion.

Dinesh responds by calling me insane. I reply by asking if it was possible that Kieth Olberman might have laid his carpet without his knowledge.

I stand ready to serve the people of Illinois

(Two letters, one reply--I quoted the first letter and the reply in the third letter's post)

In the first letter, I ask Illinois State Senators Dave Syverson and Steve Rauschenberger to correct the huge mistake they made in recruiting Alan Keyes to run against Obama (I suggest that they create a scandal by engaging him in a three-way at a Cub's game).

Syverson replies and defends his choice, noting that I didn't come forward when they were looking for candidates.

I accept Syverson's challenge in the third letter and ask him to support my campaign.

Christian Wrestling (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Reserve May 2nd on your Calendars--I invite Christian wrestler Rob Adonis to bring his show to our annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo and ask him if we can wrestle naked with his wrestlers in the manner of the ancient Spartan warriors.
• Adonis replies--Adonis is willing to bring his show, but only his wrestlers will be allowed in the ring. I respond with suggestions about how to make the show more meaningful to the audience.

Letters to Ed (3 letters, 2 replies)

Ed Vitagliano is the editor of the AFA (American Family Association) Journal

• The great white shark of iniquity--I congratulate Ed for outing Lenny the Homosexual Shark and relate my story of how A Shark's Tale caused me to enter into a vinylsexual lifestyle.
• Ed stokes the fires of my lost love--Ed tempts me with visions of vinyl Santa sex and I tell him of the heartbreak he's rekindled.
• Lenny the Shark has many, many friends--I write Ed about Spongebob's video homofest. Surely, Bob the Builder isn't a homosexual.
• Keep me cockatoo cool--Ed disapproves of my vinylsexual lifestyle. I alert him to Wiggles.
  

Excommunicating Coach Shanahan (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Nobody Expects the Conservative Inquisition--I congratulate the Catholic Bishop of Colorado Springs for reinstituting the inquisition for Democratic voters.
• Excommunicating Coach Shanahan--The Bishop's assistant, Fr. Howard, replies, noting that the Bishop read my letter and is grateful for my kind and supportive words. I send a second letter, asking the Bishop to excommunicate Denver Bronco's Coach Mike Shanahan and a couple of the other major donors to the Diocese for contributing money to candidates who support abortion rights and stem cell research.

Unrated

Mr. D'Souza responds to my email

Dinesh replies to my email:

From: dineshjdsouza@aol.com
To: jcchristian@charter.net
Sent: Friday, January 19, 2007 4:56 AM
Subject: Re: Disappointed fan

Some crackpot is sending me emails and using your email address. Just thought you'd like to know.

best, Dinesh D'Souza

My response:

Dear Mr. D'Souza,

Thank you for alerting me to this. I suspect Nancy Pelosi is behind it. I'm fairly certain she's also the one who has been sending me disgusting, yet strangely arousing, photos in emails with subject lines like "Col. Oliver North Takes One in the Foxhole" and "Bill O'Reilly in The Falafels of October." She's trying to silence me by making me a target of her islamunistofascist cultural allies. Please forward the forged emails you received so I can compare them to the ones she sent me.

Was I was wrong about you? I assumed that you were responsible for choosing the leopard print carpet in your den. Now, I'm wondering if the carpet was laid without your knowledge, perhaps by one of America's enemies like Keith Olbermann, in an effort to discredit you. If that's the case, please accept my apologies.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

More exchanges with Mr. D'Souza

My original email to him.

His second reply and my second response.

Update: Dinesh and I are now pen pals. I'll post his latest response sometime tonight.

Dinesh D'Souza caused 9/11

Dinesh D'Souza
Head Scribe, The House Of Scaife

Dear Mr. D'Souza,

I've been a big fan of your work since the eighties, back when you seized the English language for conservatism and made it safe to hurl racial slurs on campus once again. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to read your latest book, The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11. It was encouraging to see someone finally blame sexually permissive liberals for the acts of terror we experienced on that terrible day.

Sadly, my respect for you was shattered today when I learned that you are a hypocrite. You betrayed yourself when you allowed a reporter to see your carpet. Its leopard print design is the same as that favored by the most morally suspect Hollywood celebrities, stars like Liz Taylor, Rip Taylor, and Twiggy. Obviously, your carpet preference serves as proof that you suffer from some twisted need to engage in all manner of unspeakable acts of perversion--acts so vile, a very disgusted Jesus commanded Saddam bin Laden to take out the Twin Towers and the Pentagon.

Someday, you'll pay for your perversity. I just hope God isn't politically correct, because I want to hurl slurs down to you as you toil in Hell.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

More exchanges with Mr. D'Souza

My His first reply and my first response to him.

His second reply and my second response.

Keep me cockatoo cool

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA (American Family Association) Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

Thanks for replying to my letter, but I'm afraid that you've misjudged me.

You wrote:

How can someone who is so witty (I probably shouldn't contribute to your obviously narcissistic personality, but, then, who am I to judge?) not understand perfectly good English?

It's true. I've always wanted to work as an undercover narcotics officer in the music industry, but the DEA refuses to process my application despite the solid evidence I've given them that John Tesch is the Cali Cartel's top dope mule. I'm not at liberty to tell you how he does it, but I risked my life getting that information--Tesch is a stone cold killer--and all I got in return was a crab lice infestation.

I also plead guilty to a shaky understanding of English--until recently, I thought "spotted dick" was something you'd only find at Neverland Ranch--but I really don't care. I'm an American, dammit, and I'm proud to speak American. It's the language of real men. Why would I want to speak a language spoken by people who are ruled by a Queen?

You failed to answer my last challenge about your misrepresentation of my "Shark Tales" article

As I recall, you challenged me to prove you wrong. Why would I do that? I agree that Lenny the Shark is a homosexual. Like I said in my first letter, he's effeminate, alienated, and a vegetarian--all of the evidence is there.

(preferring, instead, to discuss your sad vinyl fetish),

I was merely relating my own reaction to A Shark's Tale. If anything, it proved your point. The film recruited me into a vinylsexual lifestyle.

and now you just can¹t seem to wrap your mind around the point I made in the article about "We Are Family."

I think your darkened mind is also failing your critical powers.

But again, I agreed with you. I, too, believe that the characters are being used to recruit our children into a life of depravity. Heck, I even strengthened your case by pointing out Dora the Explorer's shameful bilingual lifestyle.

My only problem with your thesis was your claim that Bob the Builder was involved. I just can't buy that. It doesn't make sense. How would his friends at the construction site treat him if they thought he was pro-homo? Scoop the Digger and Muck the Bulldozer would kick his ass.

Btw, have you ever heard of The Wiggles. My friend, DJ Col Harry S. Wolfenstein, tells me they're as homosexual as an IKEA throw pillow. From what I gather, they include two guys in flamboyantly colored clothes, a "ferocious but transsexual T Rex," "a lesbian cop with a mustache", and a tights wearing pirate who likes to touch people with his "feather sword."

If that's not enough, they sing songs containing lines like these:

Tie me kangaroo down sport,
[...]
Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl,
[...]
Let me Abos go loose, Lou,
[...]
Mind me platypus duck, Bill,
[...]
Play your digeridoo, Blue,

Just reading these lyrics fills my head with all manner of vile images of utter depravity. Obviously, it's some kind of homosexual code. It sickens me to think that our children are being exposed to it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Past Correspondence with Mr. Vitagliano

First letter

Ed's response and my second letter

Third letter

Note: I can't remember who directed me to the Wiggles' song, but thanks, whoever you are.

Lenny the Shark has many, many friends

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

It was almost a month ago when I first sent you an email lauding your ability to determine the sexuality of cartoon characters. As you may recall, I was very impressed by your outing of Lenny, the effeminate, alienated, vegetarian shark from the movie, A Shark's Tale. It was an amazing feat, but somehow, you've managed to top it.

I'm talking about your recent claim that eight of children's television's greatest stars are recruiting our little ones into the homosexual lifestyle. I guess it doesn't surprise me. We've all heard the rumors about Spongebob Squarepants, and I'm told that Dora the Explorer is bilingual. Of course Arthur likes to read, Barney would rather hug a Muslim than kill him, and Clifford the Big Red Dog prances around his neighborhood naked. They're all obviously friends of Dorothy.

Big Bird has always been my own personal morality nemesis. I try to resist his charms, but there's something about his long thin neck, big round breast, and powerful feet that compels me to tuck my little soldier up behind my grenades and do a little hokey-pokey dance. I know it's wrong, but Big Bird's mojo is just too strong. You are certainly correct in putting him on your list.

The one I don't understand is Bob the Builder. How did he make the list? For heaven's sake, the man operates heavy equipment. He's the very definition of heterosexual masculinity. Heck, he's so manly, he could be one of the Village People.

In any event, I fully support your efforts to stop the forces of homosexuality from distributing the "pro-tolerance" video featuring these characters. The last thing our children need to learn is tolerance. It hasn't prevented a single child from becoming a homosexual. That's a job for the steel toed boots of peer pressure. Sometimes, you have to severely beat a kid to save him. I know we're not supposed to say it out loud like that, but I heard your interview with Sam Seder on The Majority Report a few weeks back, and I know you agree with me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Note: This is my third letter to Ed. My first one is here and his reply and my second email are here.

Update: Ed responds, again.

Ed stokes the fires of my lost love

Ed's response to my letter to him about Lenny, the effeminate, alienated, vegetarian, and therefore obviously homosexual, shark.

From: Ed Vitagliano
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Subject: Re: The shark of temptation

Thanks so much, Herr General, for that classy reply. I hope you enjoyed your vinyl shark. I suppose the secular writers (and those whose comments I could not fit into the story) were ALL wrong to see the same, quite obvious subtext, just as I did? I mean, come on! The Village Voice? Not exactly a right-wing rag, now is it?

Thanks! Enjoy your vinyl Santa this holiday season!

Ed

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano

Thank you for responding to my email.

I was unable to enjoy my inflatable shark due to the extreme guilt I felt throughout our brief fling. I knew in my heart that it was an unholy paring, a relationship that could not be blessed in the eyes of God. I tried to find a biblical justification for it, but no matter how hard I looked, I always ended up at Leviticus 11:10 which calls scaleless fish, "an abomination."

I knew deep down inside that it was a doomed relationship. I understood that God would not allow it to continue for very long--as the commander of a Christian militia, I am supposed to be an example to the men under me. That's why he caused my little soldier to work his way into my beloved vinyl helpmeet's seam.

There is one thing I can't deny. For a very brief period, the fraction of a second before the air escaped trough the gaps between the torn vinyl and my Private Johnson, I felt a joy unmatched by any other in my entire life. It was almost worth it.

I say "almost," because in the final analysis, I had sinned. It took me many trips to the man in Seattle who spanks people for money before I felt that I had been appropriately punished for my transgression, but my redemption is finally complete. I know that God has forgiven me, and I stand spotless before Him.

But now you come along, tempting me with tales of inflatable vinyl Santas. All I can say to you is, "get thee away from me, foul temptress."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The great white shark of iniquity

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano

I thought there was something funny about the movie, A Shark's Tale. After reading your review, I now know why I found this film so disturbing--Lenny The Shark is a homosexual.

I can't believe that I didn't spot it right away. It's so obvious to me now; I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't have needed you to point out that he's effeminate, alienated, and a vegetarian. It was all there for me to see if only I'd been a bit more perceptive.

Beyond those obvious clues, I should have been tipped off by my own reactions to it: the way I kept touching myself throughout the film; how I bought an inflatable shark afterward and violated it repeatedly until it was little more than a sticky, shredded, sheet of vinyl; and the erotic dreams featuring a naked, sweaty, randy Dick Cheney wielding his mighty eel of domination and forcing me to commit acts so depraved I dare not describe them here. Certainly, the movie worked a satanic magic, a homo mojo if you will, over those who saw it.

I wouldn't feel so bad about missing these clues if I didn't take a lot of pride in my ability to find subliminal homosexual persuaders. I, like you, see them just about everywhere in our culture--I've spotted them in everything from television shows like The Brady Bunch to everyday objects like plastic patio furniture.

You may even be familiar with my deconstruction of Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop. It's an age old story. Mr. Brown goes out of town without his wife and comes back with Mr. Black, an Amish man who is obviously a flaming homosexual.

You'd think that if I could break Seuss's code, I'd be able to spot a Disney attempt. Perhaps God it trying to teach me something about humility.

Well, keep up the good work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I stand ready to serve the people of Illinois as their Senator

As regular readers might recall, I recently sent an email to Illinois State Senator Dave Syverson berating him for recruiting Alan Keyes, a man who is either secretly working for the French or is absolutely insane, to run for the Senate against Osama. I asked him to correct his mistake by creating a scandal that would force Keyes to leave the race so that he could be replaced. Since the media loves sex scandals, I suggested that he and another state senator engage Mr. Keyes in a "three-way" during a Cubs game. He sent me his reply, today.

For the sake of continuity, I'm reposting my original letter below. It will be followed by Sen. Syverson's reply and my response.

My original letter:

Senator Dave Syverson
Senator Steve Rauschenberger
Illinois State Senate

Dear Sen. Syverson and Sen. Rauschenberger,

I see that the finger pointing has already begun over Alan Keyes' selection to challenge Osama for the Senate. You're blaming each other both publicly and privately in the press. My guess is that you share responsibility.

I think we can all agree on one thing. Alan Keyes is an agent provocateur hired by the Democrats to destroy the Illinois Republican Party's credibility. Either that, or he's utterly insane, because nobody is that stupid.

Think about it. He's been in the race for what, ten days, and he's already come out against the direct election of Senators, endorsed a slavery reparations scheme that would allow dead people to stop paying taxes, and blamed 9/11 on abortion.

The man is a laughingstock. He's going to lose the race. Worse yet, he's going to lose the race to Osama bin Laden, a terrorist who's on the FBI's most wanted list and can't campaign because Our Leader promised us his head three years ago.

Good God, what where you thinking when you dialed his number!

We need to convince him to pull out of the race. He's obviously not going to do it on his own, so we're going to need to create a scandal. It has to be big and that means sex--the media eats that stuff up.

No time for private investigators. You have to do it yourselves--you broke it; you fix it. I'm thinking of a three way at a Cubs game. As for staging, the photos would look best with Sen. Syverson taking him from behind and Sen. Rauschenberger going down on him, but I guess that part is really up to you.

Once he's out of the race, we convince Ted Nugent to run.

We're depending on you to turn this thing around. Don't disappoint us.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Sen. Syverson replies:

From: "Senator Dave Syverson"
To:
Subject:
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 14:19:40 -0500

Dear JC:

I read with interest your email regarding Alan Keyes. I'm not sure where you get your information from, it sounds like it is coming from newspapers and not from those of us who have been directly involved in the process. I have not blamed Steve Rauschenberger or myself for supporting Alan Keyes.

First, you need to understand how we got to this point. Jack Ryan was not my choice in the Primary, but it seemed to be the choice of many in the Party. It is unfortunate after he won the Primary the media acted improperly by going after custody hearing documents. When Ryan withdrew, we sought out a number of individuals to take his position, several that I supported. Individuals like Edgar, Rauschenberger, and Dillard to name a few. However, all of these individuals turned down the request to fill that appointment. So, with ninety days left in the campaign, the State Central Committee met to go through a number of names of individuals who might be interested in running. Of the seven or eight that were considered, a few were excellent prospects but they had no personal resources, and nothing committed from the National Republican Committee. These individuals would have no way to get their message out in that short period of time. So, the State Party whittled the list down to two for us to choose from, one choice was Alan Keyes and the second was Andrea Barthwell. If you read about the problems that Barthwell had and the fact that she had no resources or organization, there wasn't much of a choice to make.

As far as I know, no other serious contenders, that had resources available stepped up to the plate to run on the Republican ticket. If you or some others were interested, clearly we would have talked to you. Frankly, the response for Alan Keyes has been very good, especially because it is imperative that he help turn out disenfranchised conservatives in some key state legislative races and a key Supreme Court race going on in southern Illinois. Alan Keyes is taking in tens of thousands of dollars every day just from his website alone. He is able to debate Obama and say things about Obama that many of us are not in a position to be able to do.

As far as the three issues you highlighted, again, you must have only received information from the newspaper because I have heard him speak on the election of senators. What he was referring to is what the founding fathers had established. Senators would be appointed by state legislators so they would be more beholding to the states, thus giving states more authority. He was referring to the importance of having strong state rights and that if we had followed what the original founding fathers intended we wouldn't have as many of the national problems that we have. It sure makes sense to me.

Regarding reparations, I don't agree with him totally regarding this issue. But, again, listening to him in total context, he is not referring to the same thing Jesse Jackson or others have talked about. I wish people would concentrate more on his discussion of taxation, Second Amendment Rights, his concerns over our current Trade Policy that is costing Illinois thousands of jobs, and the problems with deep corruption in the Democratic Party that is having a negative affect on our state. These are issues that resonate well with Independents and Republicans throughout all of Illinois.

Lastly, for those individuals who think Keyes is too far to the right, he is clearly not as far to the right as Obama is to the left, and yet I hear very few people willing to criticize Obama for his extreme views.

Sincerely,

DAVE SYVERSON
State Senator

My response:

Senator Dave Syverson
Illinois State Senate

Dear Sen. Syverson

Thank you for your reply to my August 18 email. I am interested in representing Illinois as its Senator. I would have thrown my hat into the ring earlier, but, after all that was said about Hillary Klinton's disgraceful carpetbagging, I was under the impression that you were only seeking Illinois residents. Now that I know that you would have welcomed my candidacy, I'm ready and willing to serve the people of Illinois as their Senator.

I believe I have the resources to pull this off. I'm an internet publisher with a loyal following of readers who are eager to see me become a spokesman for conservative values. I will have no problem raising the funding I need from them.

I also have a ready-built organization, the American Christian Militia. I've served as its first and only commander for over ten years. My men would do anything for me, including starting a 527 organization if needed--they could call it Skinny Guys with Funny Names for Truth and claim that Obama is really Bob Peterson, the physically short and stocky president of the Duluth Chapter of the Sons of Norway.

We still need to get Keyes to pull out. You say that you aren't responsible for recruiting him. Aaron Chambers backs you up in an August 14 Rockford Register Star column where he writes that you blame Senator Rauschenberger. If that's the case, he broke it; he needs to fix it. Can you ask him to take Keyes to a Cubs game and introduce him to his "Little Rauschy?"

I'm looking forward to the campaign.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Adonis replies

Rob Adonis responded to my invitation to have his wrestling ministry perform at the Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulations Preparedness Expo. Here's what he had to say:

From: "Rob Adonis"
To: [Gen. JC Christian, patriot]
Subject: RE: Ultimate Christian Wrestling

Mr. Christian,

By the way:
It is not a military buzz cut - It is a Caesar Cut
No I wont grow it out and color it.
No I won't wrestle like YOU are acustom to - You will not be a part of the
show. You are a fan

However,
We will come and minister and perform anywhere, including the (C.M.O.T.R.&
T.P.E.) - BUT, we do it on our terms, our way, or no way. We WILL NOT
CONFORM to anything other than where GOD LEADS US. We come to minister and
entertain. UCW is not a PARTICIPATORY SHOW. Fans are not allowed to enter
the ring in any way.

Feel fre to write back for pricing information and scheduling info.

P.S. Why Joe McCarthy's Birthday. Is this the SENATOR JOE McCarthy as in the
Communist RED SCARE of the 1950's?

Sincerely,

ROB ADONIS

Although I don't like the tone of his reply, I still want to hire his wrestling ministry. After all,  wresting and Jesus are bigger than the both of us.

Here's my reply:

Dear Mr. Adonis,

I writing you in the hopes that you will change your mind and let us participate in your wrestling event. I think the Lord wants us to do this. That said, it is your ministry, so you'd still be in charge. We'd be happy to participate within whatever guidelines you set.

We understand that your show is about good triumphing over evil. We have no problem with that. Of course, we would want to play the good guys since the audience will be filled with our fellow Christian militiamen. Your wrestlers could play evil roles like "the liberal," "the homosexual," "the atheist," "the secular humanist," and "the science teacher."

The silver headed wrestler who wears the shorts with the lips painted over his huge, bulging package would be perfect in the role of the homosexual--he already has the suit. I'd like to be the guy who wrestles him if possible, because in the past, I've encountered difficulty in resisting the hypnotic powers of a homosexual's bulge. By defeating him, I would show my men that I've overcome this problem. Do you think he'd be willing to grow his hair out and bleach it? I hope so.

You've nixed the idea of wrestling in the fashion of the ancient Spartan warriors for yourself, but have you asked your wrestlers? If not, please ask them to consider it. There are few better ways of bonding than to press naked man flesh against naked man flesh in an heterosexual orgy of godly combat. Heck, we could even project the movie Spartacus onto the screen behind the ring. That would be fabulous!

Please give my ideas your consideration.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. I noticed you addressed me as "Mr." Christian in your note. I am the commanding general of the American Christian Militia. Please address me as General Christian in future correspondence.

Excommunicating Coach Shanahan

Dear Fr. Howard,

I'm very pleased by your response to my email urging Bishop Sheridan to reinstate the inquisition for errant Catholic voters. I pray that the instruments of confession will convince them to shun politicians who support abortion and stem cell research.

Although the Catholic Church has not begun to set up its apparatus of inquisition, I'm comforted by the fact that the Bishop will deny communion to these lost voters. I'm also hopeful that we'll see a few excommunications.

I did a bit of research and found three Catholics from your diocese who have contributed money to candidates who support abortion or stem cell research. You may know them personally. Their names are Mike Shanahan, Ed Haselten, and Jack Vickers.

Mr. Shanahan coaches the Denver Broncos and is the honorary chairman of your Light the New millennium (LNM) campaign. Mr Haselten and Mr. Vickers, both successful businessmen, serve on the LNM Northern Region Core Team. All three gave contributions to retiring Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell who supports stem cell research. Mr. Vickers also supported Gale Norton in her various campaigns. She is pro-choice.

That's a start. Please don't hesitate to write me if you need any further help. I'm also willing to assist with the inquistion once you get it going.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Father Howard's response to my earlier email:

Gen. JC Christian,

On behalf of Bishop Sheridan I wish to acknowledge that he has received and read your email. He is sincerely grateful for your kind and supportive words. Please remember him in your prayers as there are many Catholics, sadly, who disagree with the Catholic Church's teachings in these critical areas and attack the Church instead of support Her.

May the Lord bless you and fill you with His peace.

Sincerely yours in Jesus and Mary,

Peter J. Howard, S.T.L.
Executive Assistant to the Bishop
Diocese of Colorado Springs

Crossposted to TAS

Nobody expects the conservative inquisition!

Dear Bishop Sheridan*,

I was very pleasantly surprised when I read the following in your May 1st Pastoral Letter (pdf):

Any Catholic politicians who advocate for abortion, for illicit stem cell research or for any form of euthanasia ipso facto place themselves outside full communion with the Church and so jeopardize their salvation. Any Catholics who vote for candidates who stand for abortion, illicit stem cell research or euthanasia suffer the same fateful consequences. It is for this reason that these Catholics, whether candidates for office or those who would vote for them, may not receive Holy Communion until they have recanted their positions and been reconciled with God and the Church in the Sacrament of Penance.

Although I'm very happy to see that the Church is starting to deal with these errant voters, I have to wonder if the denial of communion is enough. After all, what is stopping the sinning voter from repenting after the election so that he or she might resume taking communion? Indeed, they haven't actually sinned until they casts their vote for some stem cell research funding supporting servant of Satan. One could confess the next day without missing communion at a single Sunday Mass.

I think we need to put the fear of God into them by reinstituting the Inquisition. Imagine how quickly errant parishioners would remove their Kerry bumper stickers once they've been shown the instruments of confession. I bet the mere mention of the rack would be enough to convince them that election day might be best spent in the company of lonely monks at some remote monastery.

It shouldn't be too difficult to get the Inquisition up and running again. There must be dozens of good men who would make great Grand Inquisitors. Is Donald Rumsfeld Catholic?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

*Sent to Bishop Sheridan's executive assistant, Most Rev. Peter J. Howard.

Update The General received a response and will post it, along with his respone to it, later today, after he does all the things on Mrs. Christian's vile "to do" list.