Whooping tolerance like a red-headed step child

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA (American Family Association) Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

It occurred to me that we're not fighting the battle against Spongebob's Video Tolerancefest very well. We identified the problem just fine, but when it came to offering a solution, we fell a little short. Sure, we've asked that schools reject the material, but we haven't offered them anything to replace it with.

An advertisement I saw today at NewsMax gave me an idea. As you basically admitted a few weeks ago to Sam Sedar at Majority Report, the reason we oppose the teaching of tolerance is because we want kids to make the lives of their homosexual peers miserable. I think the product advertised at NewsMax will encourage this kind of Christian-based bullying. It's a two-volume set of "politically incorrect fighting" videos called Street Grappling. The producer, former Greco-Roman wrestling (Yes, a real Spartan-style warrior!) sensation Matt Furey, promises that it will teach viewers how "to annihilate anyone...and do so with lightning like precision."

The best part about it is that Mr Furey came to learn his bone crushing techniques after a bout of what sounds a lot like "homosexual panic":

One afternoon, after finishing lunch, I walked into the "john" to drain my bladder. Just so you know, at the high school I attended the stalls didn't have doors. Not only that, instead of being the cheap plastic doors we see today, they were literally made of brick.

Anyway, after draining the "main vein," I turned around and found a big, strong, powerful man standing in my way. His name was Bob and let me tell you, if there was ever a guy I didn't want to fight - he was the one. He was a stud football player and a star in track and baseball, too. And he was mean as hell.

[...]

Naturally I tried to talk my way out of the trouble standing before me. But it wasn't working. Bob wanted to kick my ass and there was no getting around him. I knew I needed a plan of attack if I was going to escape from the battle alive, not to mention free from injury.

When Bob started pushing me with his fingers - steam started to build inside.

In between his taunts, I recalled two of the techniques I had learned previously in old-time pre-World War II self-defense books. These were the books that showed how U.S. soldiers whooped their "enemies" in hand-to-hand combat with brutal wrestling, judo and jiu-jitsu - as well as some wicked kicks, elbows and punches that are the secret weapons of champion street fighters.

And so, the next time Bob moved his hand to push me - I timed his arm movement and launched into him. I used two simple moves that I had studied from the books and once we hit the floor the fight was over. He was like a "fish out of water" and believe me, he went home a bloody mess.

Prior to this altercation, Bob was considered the toughest S.O.B. in my entire high school. No one dared mess with him. Even I didn't want to fight him - but because I knew what to do, I was able to whoop him like a red-headed step child.

I'm sure that with the AFA's buying power, you could convince Mr. Furey to throw in extra materials telling this story for free. That would be a great bonus. Kids could see exactly how the American Family Association wants them to handle themselves around suspected homosexuals.

But that's not all the story has to offer. Furey's use of phrases like "draining the main vein," "kick my ass," and " whoop him like a red-headed step child" model good, old-fashioned, red-state, masculine heterosexuality for the children.

Please pass these ideas on to Pastor Wildmon and Dr. Dobson. I think it's the only way we can defeat tolerance once and for all.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot