Jeff Gannon, abstinence spokesmodel

Majority Leader Bill Frist, MD
United States Senate

Dear Dr. Majority Leader Frist,

I was very impressed by your ability to make a diagnosis of Terri Schiavo's condition after doing nothing more than viewing a videotape. That was one fancy bit of doctoring if you ask me.

Seeing you in action gave me an idea. I'm sure you've heard of the new sexually transmitted diseases that aren't transmitted sexually. They're spreading like wildfire among teens who've taken abstinence pledges as a part of their abstinence-only sex education courses.

I'm worried that this outbreak will be used by libertines as an excuse to kill abstinence-only programs. We need to do something to prevent that from happening.

What we need now is a spokesperson-role model for these programs. It has to be someone who adults will respect and kids will want to emulate. Who could be better for that job than former White House Correspondent Jeff Gannon. He's conservative, manly, and military oriented--I've heard that he's even served Our Leader's top aides as a military escort. More importantly, he's Christian and single, so he must be a virgin.

Before we approach him, we need to know that he hasn't been stricken by one of these non-sexual STD's--being abstinent, he's a prime target for such diseases. It wouldn't do us much good if he has some form of the chastity clap. We're trying to shake that image.

That's where you come in. I found these pictures [may not be work-safe] of Mr. Gannon on the internet. He's naked, so I suspect they were taken at some kind of Spartan-style wrestling match.

We need you to look at the photos, examine his "little White House correspondent," and tell us if you see purity sores or any other symptom of a non-sexually transmitted sexually transmitted disease. Once you give him a clean bill of health, We'll ask Sen. Santorum to approach him with an offer.

Please let us know what you find.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot