The Lazarus Option

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

Have you had a chance to check out World Net Daily's newest columnist, Jim Rutz? Finally, true Christians have a voice in the media, one who isn't afraid to talk about all the miracles that are occurring in these latter days.

His column from last Tuesday is absolutely fantastic. He writes that in the last twenty or so years, "God has brought people back from the dead" in fifty-two countries. That's an impressive bit of dead-raising, but from what I understand, all of these miracles happened in foreign places.

That doesn't make sense to me. Why would God raise dead brown people in Nigeria when there are plenty of good, Christian, white, dead people in America? It's not fair. We need a miracle like this to take our minds off all the bad economic and war news. More importantly, Leader Frist, Leader Delay, and Our Leader (Our Holy Trinity) need some kind of miracle to bring their polling numbers back from the grave.

Of course, God couldn't have forgotten his favorite nation. He's just waiting for the right moment. I suggest that we create that moment for Him.

Picture a Fox News Special in which Bill O'Reilly channels God's special powers and brings Terri Schiavo back to life. It would be the Greatest Special Ever Aired. I'm sure Bill could pull it off. Our Lord, Jesus, owes him one for defending Christmas against the Jews. The Trinity could get credit for an assist by jointly declaring a national day of fasting and prayer. Everybody wins. You get incredible ratings, Bill O'Reilly gets to play God, God gets great press, Our Holy Trinity finally gets a win on the Schiavo issue, and Schiavo won't miss the birth of Britney Spears' baby, "Cheeto."

Well, what do you think? Can you talk to Mr. O'Reilly about it?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to commenter Grizzelda for the Cheeto tip.