About the General's letters

Commenter McGuffin writes:

I'm new to your web site, General. Please, please tell me that you really send these letters. I'd love to read the responses.

Yes, I send every letter. Responses are rare. Some of my favorites appear below:

I stand ready to serve the people of Illinois

(Two letters, one reply--I quoted the first letter and the reply in the third letter's post)

In the first letter, I ask Illinois State Senators Dave Syverson and Steve Rauschenberger to correct the huge mistake they made in recruiting Alan Keyes to run against Obama (I suggest that they create a scandal by engaging him in a three-way at a Cub's game).

Syverson replies and defends his choice, noting that I didn't come forward when they were looking for candidates.

I accept Syverson's challenge in the third letter and ask him to support my campaign.

Christian Wrestling (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Reserve May 2nd on your Calendars--I invite Christian wrestler Rob Adonis to bring his show to our annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo and ask him if we can wrestle naked with his wrestlers in the manner of the ancient Spartan warriors.
• Adonis replies--Adonis is willing to bring his show, but only his wrestlers will be allowed in the ring. I respond with suggestions about how to make the show more meaningful to the audience.

Letters to Ed (3 letters, 2 replies)

Ed Vitagliano is the editor of the AFA (American Family Association) Journal

• The great white shark of iniquity--I congratulate Ed for outing Lenny the Homosexual Shark and relate my story of how A Shark's Tale caused me to enter into a vinylsexual lifestyle.
• Ed stokes the fires of my lost love--Ed tempts me with visions of vinyl Santa sex and I tell him of the heartbreak he's rekindled.
• Lenny the Shark has many, many friends--I write Ed about Spongebob's video homofest. Surely, Bob the Builder isn't a homosexual.
• Keep me cockatoo cool--Ed disapproves of my vinylsexual lifestyle. I alert him to Wiggles.
  

Excommunicating Coach Shanahan (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Nobody Expects the Conservative Inquisition--I congratulate the Catholic Bishop of Colorado Springs for reinstituting the inquisition for Democratic voters.
• Excommunicating Coach Shanahan--The Bishop's assistant, Fr. Howard, replies, noting that the Bishop read my letter and is grateful for my kind and supportive words. I send a second letter, asking the Bishop to excommunicate Denver Bronco's Coach Mike Shanahan and a couple of the other major donors to the Diocese for contributing money to candidates who support abortion rights and stem cell research.