Gonzaga University President
Dear Father Spitzer,
Considering the tough stance you've taken against allowing Planned Parenthood and The Vagina Monologues to pollute your academic environment with the corrosive stench of intellectual diversity, I was not surprised to read Dr. John Diggs' declaration that Gonzaga "frequently pushes the homosexual agenda." After all, despite its demonic agenda, the name "Planned Parenthood" connotes a traditional pairing between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation. Perhaps their banishment sent a subliminal, anti-heterosexual message to your studentbody.The same holds true for The Vagina Monologues. Common sense tells us that when a man is thinking about a vagina, he's not considering how he looks in assless chaps. Sure some claim that there are women homosexuals who enjoy a vagina show, but I don't buy it. Women can't have sex with each other. They don't have little soldiers, and no man I've known has ever found that mythical little sailor in the boat that the unchurched French are always raving about.
So there you have it. Contraception promotion and vagina shows are the things that will bring about Gonzaga's redemption.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
