President Gordon B. Hinckley
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Dear President Hinckley,
I was very pleased to read in the Deseret News that the Church refused to join other Christians in calling on our government to forego the use of torture. It's the right thing to do. I'm sure our Lord and Savior approves.
Certainly, there will be those who will question this decision. They'll wonder why the Church so eagerly involves itself in the issue of homosexual marriage yet ignores the state sanctioned torture of our fellow man. They don't understand that we believe in a gospel of love, a love so precious that it must be preserved for those who deserve it most, heterosexual Chistians like ourselves. To paraphrase the words of our Lord in 1st Nephi 4:13: "It is better that thousands are anally raped with glowsticks than that two men or two women be allowed to bind their love in matrimony."
Perhaps the Church could combine its lust for torture and its hatred of homosexuals to support a bill to torture sodomites. Such a bill could also provide faith-based funding so that the Church might profit. Heck, it could become a regular youth activity like being baptised for the dead. We might even combine the two by filling the baptismal font with the blood of those we torture.
I'd be honored if you would set me apart to do this work.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
PS: Please forgive me for using the word, "h*ck." I try not to cuss, but the thought of torturing people in Jesus' name excites the heck out of me.
Elsewhere: My inner Frenchman has an idea for those, like him, whose names still appear on the Church's membership rolls.