I've often dreamed of engaging Deputy Leader Dick in the ring of honor, sweat mingling, man breasts beating a slapping cadence as we each seek to dominate the other until, finally, one tires and the other drives his manhood home in a glorious act of manly triumph.
That's why I'm so happy to hear the news that the Royal Marines have embraced the ancient Spartan warrior ways:
The footage obtained by the News of the World appears to show two naked men being forced to fight each other.
Twelve soldiers who had just finished their 32-week commando training were alleged to have taken part in the initiation ritual, while around 40 other marines - also stripped naked - watched.
The fight appears to have been "directed" by two non-commissioned officers. One was dressed in a surgeon's outfit, the other dressed as a schoolgirl.
Of course there will always be those who do not understand the need for warriors to bond in this manner and that is the case here. Unfortunately, the whiner is a Tory. You'd think he'd know better:
The Conservative party's spokesman for homeland security Patrick Mercer said he had come across this sort of thing occasionally during his 26 years in the Army.
"I can't tell you how damaging it is," he said.
"Just imagine a young man turning up in his unit and being made to wrestle naked in a field while his non-commissioned officers are dressed up in women's frillies. I mean, it's not very dignified stuff, is it?"
Helmet tip to Lawrence of Cyberia.