Cheneystein Meets The Falafel Man: A Christmas War Story

Jason Apuzzo
Hollywood Patriot

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

It's a shame that Joe Dante is given the opportunity to make films about traitorous zombie veterans while L'Homme continues to crush your dreams of finishing your epic student film, San Pedro. I can't blame you for being bitter. It's natural. God gave us bitterness to help us deal with failure.

That said, it's now time to put all that aside and show the world that a patriot can make a better horror film than Dante and his ilk. I have the perfect film for you. Its working title is Cheneystein Meets The Falafel Man: A Christmas War Story.

Characters:

Deputy Leader Cheney (played by Ned Beatty made up to look like Phil Hartman's inarticulate Frankenstein)

Bill O'Reilly (played by Bill O'Reilly)

"positive immigrant maid" (played by Mrs. Apuzzo)

Synopsis

Bill O'Reilly is getting sneering tips from the Dick Cheney in the Green Room of his FNC studios when the Deputy Leaders falls over and dies. Seeing this as his opportunity to test his reanimation theories, O'Reilly drags Cheney's lifeless body back to his dressing room, applies his experimental Mighty Falafel of Everlasting Life, and rips our dear Dick from the Reaper's terrible grasp.

Thinking that the world might benefit if he experimented with Cheney's cold, but reanimated, body, O'Reilly decides to take Dick home. He's stopped short just outside of the studio when he spies the remains of a nativity scene at the edge of a sidewalk. He had heard that secularists, atheists, Jews, and other guest-Americans had objected to the neighboring Post Office's Christmas decorations, but didn't know that they had been successful getting them removed until that moment. Angry, Bill picks up the baby plastic Jesus' severed leg and vows that he will do everything in his power to defeat the enemies of Christmas.

For the next several weeks, the leotard-clad duo of Cheneystein and The Falafel Man wreak havoc on the Scrooge community. They walk the streets day and night listening for a Rabbi's "Happy Hanukkah" or a sales clerk's occasional "Happy Holidays," and meet it with a trip to a nearby alley where the unlucky Christmas-hater is subjected to pain slightly less painful than that associated with organ failure as well as a thorough reaming with a now battery-powered plastic Baby Jesus leg.

Well that's it. I know it's rough, but we can shape it up in no time if you're interested in directing it. I bet we can get Fox or the Rev. Moon to produce it, and we can probably get product placement money from the ReamMaster 5000 people and the pure grain alcohol industry.

Please get back to me soon. We'll need to start shooting right away.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot