It's worse than I thought; the goat liked Gloria Gaynor songs

Brian Peyton
President, Alpha Gamma Rho Fraternity
Western Kentucky University

cc: Trenton Jackson
Goatboy, Alpha Gamma Rho Fraternity
Western Kentucky University

Dear President Peyton,

When I wrote you yesterday, I was under the impression that you were covering up a little good, old-fashioned, heterosexual livestock love. That upset me because I believed that by covering it up, you were repudiating one of our most cherished Heartland values. Today, after reading a followup story in the local newspaper, I realized that things were much worse than I thought.

From the Kentucky News:

When police officers arrived at the fraternity house at 1436 Chestnut St. at 2:25 a.m. Thursday for the party complaint, the goat was found in a small basement storage room where it had no food or water, according to the BGPD report.

Police were told the goat was in the house because pledges were going to have sex with it, according to a city police report.

The male goat was taken to the Bowling Green-Warren County Humane Society for an examination Thursday afternoon by veterinarian Consuela Reinhart.

"At the bottom of the rectum there was a small abrasion,"; she said.

There was not an extensive amount of bruising, Reinhart said. Other than the abrasion, the goat is in good shape.

Tests showed there was nothing unusual in the animal's stool that would have caused the injury, she said.

Reinhart also said it was unlikely the goat had vomited. Police said the goat was in a confined area where there was vomit.

"Goats can't really vomit. Usually when you find a goat that vomited you find a dead goat,"; she said.

"The goat had been penetrated by something; by what we don't know,"; said Roxie Ross, animal control officer for BGPD.

I think we both know the answer to that question. This wasn't a case of traditional livestock love. Some sick sorry bastard had a homosexual relationship with that goat in your frathouse. AGR will be tainted until that person is found. Even then, you may all need to prove that you prefer more traditional goat/goatherd relationships. Otherwise, you'll be condemned to hear the word "billygoats" whispered wherever you go.

It's no wonder that our society is crumbling when a cherished Heartland value can become as perverted and twisted as this. I bet David Brooks is crying tonight.

What will we tell the children?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to commenter maggie pax for the story lead, and another to commenter Cornellian for reminding me of other acts committed by AGR brothers that demonstrate their devotion to our cherished Heartland values.