Targeting the Heartland

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

Your employer is at it again. I guess betraying the most closely-held secrets of Our Leader's War against The People isn't enough for them. Now, they're trying to undermine security at events that celebrate something we in the Heartland hold very dear, our love for our livestock.

In today's Times, reporter Eric Lipton mocks the State Security Apparatus for adding things like Columbia Tennessee's Mule Day Parade and Old McDonald's Petting Zoo in Woodville, Alabama to the National Asset Database, the government's official list of potential terrorist targets that deserve Homeland Security funding. Take a look at the story's lead, and you'll see what I mean.

It reads like a tally of terrorist targets that a child might have written: Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified "Beach at End of a Street."

By treating security at these symbols of our most cherished values in such a derisive manner, Lipton and Times betray their contempt for the only true Americans, the residents of the Heartland. You know how we feel about our pets and livestock. I've written you before about the passion we feel for our mules, goats, and frogs.

As the only person at the Times who has ever treated the Heartland with the respect and reverence it deserves, we're depending on you to persuade Mr. Keller and Mr. Lipton to issue an apology. We'd also be very grateful if the apology addressed any misunderstanding Times readers might have about Old McDonald's Petting Zoo. Petting may indeed occur there, but only between consenting and committed adults.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian