Katherine and Her Mighty Chainsaw of the Lord

Rep. Katherine Harris
Candidate for the US Senate

Dear Rep. Harris,

I've come to the conclusion that your campaign is cursed. From the very beginning, you've suffered nothing but humiliation after humiliation. First, it was the Kabbalah water/citrus canker controversy. Then, it was the very public attempts by Karl Rove and Jeb Bush to convince to pull out of the race followed by wave after wave of campaign staff resignations, the constantly increasing probability that you will be indicted on bribery charges, and polling trendlines that resemble the left side of Our Deputy Leader's mouth.

Then yesterday, you suffered the worst humiliation of your campaign thus far at your big endorsement event--nine prominent Republicans were scheduled to endorse you; none showed up. Although your explanation--they missed the event because you had to move it to a new airplane hanger after the original venue, another hanger, was crushed by a tree--was good, the press and most of the public thought you were lying. That has to hurt.

Anyway, I think the only possible explanation for your troubles is that you're cursed. Obviously, you got on the wrong side of the Lord when you peddled that magic Kabbalah water to the State of Florida. The only way to lift the curse is to get right with God, and thankfully, there's an opportunity for you to do just that waiting for you in Texas.

As you're probably aware, the frequency of miracles has increased tremendously over the last few years. It seems like every time you turn on the TV lately, Jesus or Mary is either miraculously appearing on a food item or their plaster likenesses are crying or vomiting blood. These events haven't gone unnoticed by the druids, and now they've struck back with their own miracle, a water-gurgling tree.

Of course, such druidic showboating is offensive to our Lord. He doesn't like that kind of competition. In fact, he hates it so viscerally, he addressed it in his very first commandment.

That's why you need to go to San Antonio and chop that tree down. God will appreciate it and will certainly reward you by lifting the curse. It'll also make for a great campaign event. I can almost see the headline now, "Harris fells false God with her Mighty Chainsaw of the Lord."

I hope you'll consider it. It's the only hope your campaign has.

Heterosexually yours in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot