Killing "Cubby"

Troy Lee Gentry
Montgomery Gentry

Dear Mr. Gentry,

It ain't easy being a country music star. That's especially true for someone like you whose entire image is centered around his masculinity. Heck, with all the hunting, war, and beating-up-people-for-Jesus imagery in your videos, I bet you're afraid to kick back for even a few minutes on the john and pee, sitting down, lest someone catches you--not that I'd ever approve of that kind of unmanly behavior, but I think you get my point.

That's why your recent arrest for shooting a caged tame bear with a bow and arrow is so damaging. It causes manly men like myself to lose respect for you. How can we continue to enjoy watching you taunt inexperienced impoverished young men into going to Iraq to fight our war now that we know that you shot Cubby in his cage?

As sad as it is for me to say this, your career is over unless you take drastic measures to save it, and by taking drastic measures, I mean you need to fight a wild bear.

I'm talking kicking his ass using nothing more than your fists. No guns, no bows, no cages, no "Cubbies" this time. Just you and a big, angry, wild bear. Make that a big, angry, wild, drunken bear--I think you'll need to get him really drunk first, or he'll literally eat you for lunch.

I'd be glad to videotape it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

On YouTube: You Do Your Thing, Montgomery Gentry's paean to hunting, war, patriotism, and kicking ass for Jesus.