Celebrate Tractor Repair Efficiency Gains!

Rep. Dennis Hastert
Speaker of the House

Dear Speaker Hastert,

You were magnificent yesterday. The way you imposed your will upon the House, forcing through important legislation preserving the Lake Mattamuskeet Lodge and naming the post office on 40 South Walnut Street in Chillicothe, Ohio was a sight to behold. But today, you face an even more important legislative task, the passage of a resolution praising yourself for your contributions to the Eternal War against Terror.

It's a good resolution, and I'm glad that you began it by stating "the nation is safer than it was back in Sept. 11, 2001." I also like the part where you list all of the legislation you've passed to protect us from terrorism by encroaching on our more troublesome civil liberties.

Unfortunately, you failed to include anything praising the work you've done securing victory in Iraq. That's a huge oversight. It suggests that you're ashamed of your contributions to the war effort, and it feeds into the public's perception that we're losing over there.

Thankfully, you still have time to amend the resolution to include language praising our greatest accomplishment in Iraq, breaking the record for repairing tractors during wartime. Yes, it's true. According to CENTCOM we've repaired 1,437 Iraqi tractors. That beats the Soviet's old record of a thousand ATZ-NATI (Altair Tractor Plant Institute of Motor and Tractor Scientific Research) tractors produced at the height of their piddly little Great Patriotic War.

Like all stories about progress in Iraq, this one was ignored by the media when CENTCOM first reported it in March, but it's a story that must be told. And what better vehicle for doing so than a resolution praising the Patriot Act for making us safer?

I've taken the liberty of writing the amendment for you. All you need to do is place the following language in the resolution:

We praise Our Leader and his faithful Speaker for their glorious achievement of increasing tractor repair efficiency in the Occupied Territories.

Please let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot