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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My response to the Army of God

Rev. Donald Spitz
Army of God
Pro-Life Virgina

Dear Rev. Spitz,

Thank you for leaving a comment on my Mainstreaming Our Confederate-American Heritage post. You're absolutely right. I erred in labeling Eric Rudolph a terrorist. It was a typo. I meant to call him a Hero of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. While I freely admit that I'm a terrible typist, I have no idea how I could have gotten so many letters wrong--that is, I have no explanation other than it must have been the work of Satan, or as Tommy Thompson might claim in a friendly, respectful, and complimentary kind of way, the Jews.

Fortunately, my readers are all good god-fearing people. They understood what I meant. They know how I feel about Rudolf's war against Christianity's greatest enemy, the Olympics. They've witnessed my own anger over the blasphemy that is greco-roman wrestling, a "sport" that makes a mockery of the greatest of the ancient warrior traditions, Spartan-style wrestling, by requiring that the contestants be clothed and their Spears of Manly Domination remain sheathed.

As harsh as your comment was, I'm very glad you made it. It gives me an opportunity to talk to you about an even greater evil. It's a practice that kills more Americans than any other, including abortion. Of course I'm talking about the Great Tube Sock Holocaust in which billions upon billions of our tiny Spermatazoan-American brothers are murdered every year for a few seconds of pleasure.

I've been working hard very hard to liberate our Spermatazoan-American citizens and provide them with safe, secure homes in Mason jars I keep in my cellar, but I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't enough. Nobody is doing anything to stop those responsible for the slaughter. Perhaps it's time for the Army of God to go to war against the masturbaters. Heck, maybe you could even ally with the Family Research Council to fight it now that Tony Perkins is an admirer of the Phineas Priesthood.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Being a happily married man, I haven't had to resort to the sin of Onan. No siree. Not me.

    And I owe Rev. Don an apology. I thought he'd come to the site to mock us. I didn't understand his sincerity and his devotion to the militant Jesus. Forgive me, Rev.

    You never know who your going to meet in the blogsphere.

  2. And going completely OT, here is the Faux News obit for Kurt Vonnegut. The bastards.

  3. Anonymous9:04 AM

    General Sir,

    Inspired the Reverend Spitz’s iron-clad logic, I think it’s time for your foot solders to enforce the “Mason Jar solution” uniformly throughout the land. One need only look to the story of Onan, to see how grave our peril is from the current Tube Sock Holdacloth.

    THE STORY OF ONAN (Genesis 38:8-10)

    Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife (Tamar) and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also.

    Girl Scout

    (and screw Haloscan)

  4. OK, now I'm confused. This happens when my inner Frenchman clamors for equal time, as is the case now.

    If we must make the world safe for Spermatozoan-Americans, does this not mean that we must do the same for Ovum-Americans? or does maintaining our women properly pregnant preempt or fulfill the requirement?

    My inner Frenchman tells me that the monstrous offense against God known as "the Pill," actually prevents Ovum-Americans from the possibility of entering this dangerous, dangerous world. Which would seem to be a good thing, except that for us Catholics, the Pope says Nope!

    AAAAAAARGH! Someone, please, anyone, save me from the agony of having to reconcile multiple mutually-conflicting positions! Tell me, who must I kill to be holy?

    (and screw Haloscan, again)

  5. Wouldn't it be a kick if Rev. Don Spitz was related to Mark Spitz? Personally, I'd laugh my ass off.

    Oh, and fuck Haloscan, incidentally.

  6. Don't-Spitz-Do-Swallow getting his own personal letter from Our Dear General... I worry, Sir... Not only that your inimitable genius will soar directly above his pointy little peckerhead, Sir, but that I will forever be haunted by the nightmarish cartoon of watching this waste-of-oxygen pus-gutted crossing-guard-with-pipe-bombs motherfucker trying to hold a Mason Jar with one sausage-fingered paw, whilst pinching le petit penito betwixt the thumb-and-forefinger of ze ozzer meaty mallet, and never once actually hitting the target.

    In any sense of the word.

    Sir, I don't think that they're ever going to manufacture enough bottled-margaritas in this coming century that'll be enough to douche that image from my brain. Nor all of the Clorox in Dow Chemical (or whomever makes it these days) nor all of the Brill-O in Levittown.

    Go get Democommie and tell him to hook-up that car battery to the bite-guard, 'cause this one is going to require high voltage.

    (Honestly, Sir, I do worry that Don't-Spitz-Do-Swallow will take your lovely letter as a COMPLIMENT, or any other form of ENCOURAGEMENT. You know how it is with those short-bus-hi-jacking home-skooled motherfuckers --- ANY attention counts as positive attention, so long as they're wasting your time and your brainpower on THEM. Let us know if we need to circle the wagons & pickup trucks around the Central Command Post, Sir. I get the feeling the Don't-Spitz is a weeeee tad on the stalker side of the sociopathic rainbow.)

  7. Well, let's see...Jesus didn't kill the Romans who killed Him; He did tear up the outer court of the Temple...He didn't insult the adultresses or prostitutes, but He did continually tell off the Pharisees and Saducees. I have a feeling Jesus isn't too happy about abortion clinic bombers. It's not that I think He support abortion, it's just that I think He's waiting to help those involved turn their lives around. Personally, I changed my Christian mind about abortion when my cousin's girlfriend's mother died because she couldn't have one when we were in high school. Then I found out about Tay Sachs. Then I realized that rape also causes pregnancy..."there is a time to heal and a time to kill." I don't like abortion on demand, but I really do believe there are legitimate reasons for having/performing them. Why doesn't the true Christian left get any press? Why do only the extremists (right and left) get the press?

  8. Anonymous5:29 PM

    Is this some kind of joke?
    Cos I'm laughing just thinking that any of you could be serious...
    stale sperm in mason jars? hahaha...are you being serious? Is this a brainstorm session for SNL?
    Great idea for a joke, seriously, I love it, sell it to a screenwriter so they can make crazy money in Hollywood off your hilarious idea. Really, I commend you for being so far removed from reality that you dont even realize you're supporting a terrorist by support Rev. Spitz.
    What are you guys gonna do? Pop out of bushes and kill people who are touching themselves and not saving their sperm? HAHA!
    "You didnt use a mason jar! Now you must die in the name of GOD! Muhahahahaha"
    LoL...are you kidding? Seriously...
    Sir...terrorists are the same the world over. They use violence to incite fear. And if you've ever disagreed with whats happening in the middle east, understand that you're being ridiculously hypocritical by supporting the Army of God.
    I hope that one of the sperm you save goes on to conceive a child that you lose in a war to a terrorist organization, because maybe then you'd realize how far up your ass your head really is.
    I wouldnt usually go this far to tell someone how much of an idiot they are, but sir, people like you have been telling my uterus how big of an idiot it is, but's not your uterus, is it?
    But for as long as my uterus is deemed to not be able to make decisions for itself, I will also relegate that benefit of the doubt from you.
    I hope you have a good life and that you never sink to the lows of the people you seem to support, however, being able to quote the bible doesnt bring you any closer to god. He lets you into his heart if he deems you to be worthy. It seems that with you looking outside yourself for that worth shows that God hasnt yet deemed you worthy...could it have anything to do with you supporting terrorists? Hmmm...let me think long and hard on this one?
    Oh, OOPS! I'm sorry...I shouldnt be speaking of long and hard things...that might make you commit suicide of your own sperm.
    Wake up and be real, please, the world is screaming for it.
    Masturbate if you have to, just dont kill anyone. And killing sperm is killing half of what it even takes to make a person. 23 chromosomes in a think it could make it alone? If you let your sperm go stale in a mason jar, maybe one day, magically through the process of parthenogenesis there might be a child there. Gosh, if scripture tells us anything, it tells us Virgin Mary conceived without tell me why you need to save sperm again?
    The next messiah wont be born of a Mason Jar...although once again, that would be a hysterical SNL skit.
    Please wake up, please.
    Its true the world needs dreamers, but not people who are completely off their rocker. We have enough politicians to fill that role.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.