Senate Minority Leader
Dear Sen. McConnell,
I'm going to be blunt. By buying into the libislamunistfascist spin about Larry Craig being a homosexual, you are destroying the party's ability to retake the Senate for decades to come. Larry Craig is not a homosexual. He's told us that. He's just as heterosexual as you and Lindsey Graham. You shouldn't have tried to force him to resign. He deserved to be treated the same way you treated Sen. Vitter, who admitted to breaking the law by paying a harlot to change his diaper--that is to say, you should have given Sen. Craig your full support.
I understand that after hearing stories about Sen. Craig sucking anonymous little soldiers in restrooms across this great nation, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that he might be dancing with Dorothy. But think about it. Isn't it just as likely that this very heterosexual married man was looking for something his wife was unable to provide for him: a hot, throbbing slab of hard salami to swallow? We've all been there haven't we? We want something that our wives can't give, so we exercise our patriarchal privilege to get it elsewhere.
But now that you've adopted the Democratic frame that such behavior is homosexual in nature, you've jeopardized the careers of a lot of good, anti-homosexual politicians who are also rumored to be looking outside their marriage for a little sausage slurping action, good men like Sen. Lindsey Graham, Representatives David Dreier and Patrick McHenry, and even yourself.
I'm especially worried about Rep. Patrick McHenry. His name seems to be coming up a lot in connection with that GOP heterosexual naked wrestling triangle's murder-suicide investigation. One of the dead men, anti-homosexual political strategist and former executive director of the Georgia Republican Committee Ralph Gonzalez, was connected with a service that would send men to hotel rooms to help husbands get what they wanted. He is also said to have been Rep. McHenry's close personal friend, perhaps even a former guest of Rep. McHenry's Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads.
How do you expect him to explain himself if it comes out that he too loves to occasionally suck a little soldier in a completely heterosexual manner? You've pretty much sealed his fate, haven't you? Perhaps you've sealed your fate as well, and Grahams and Dreiers too for that matter.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot