Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

No price too high

Michael DiTerlizzi, Chairman
Martin County Board of County Commissioners

Dear Commissioner DiTerlizzi,

I really like your idea of using an army of robot cameras to stop people from engaging in fornication, adultery, and the whipping out of thingies on your public beaches, but I'm concerned about the actual mechanics of doing it.

According to the Palm Beach Post, the cameras are triggered by motion sensors. That could prove troublesome don't you think? I mean, while I like to discourage any motion on the beach, sometimes it's unavoidable, like when I'm adjusting the big ball of socks I keep in my Speedo to provide proper moisture control.

Then there's the motion that occurs from just lying on the sand. Often the wind will create ripples across my very manly gut and chest, much like those you'll see on a properly prepared jello salad. If you combine that with the constant adjusting, it might appear as if I'm really going to town on my Mighty Staff of Patriarchal Authority. I could wrongly be accused of committing a naughty crime just like 78% of your state legislature's republican caucus.

And how exactly are you going to do the warning. Again, according to the Post, the motion sensors will activate a flashing light and a recorded message to tell the perp to cease the activity. You can't just have it say, "stop it!." That'd interfere with things like big ball of socks adjustment. You also can't have it say, "stop fornicating." That'd just confuse those who are committing adultery or patting their robertsons. Maybe "stop doing the nasty" would work. I don't know.

Perhaps you should just scrap the robot camera idea and just close the beaches. That'd stop the carnal acts or at least move them to where they belong, restrooms in and around the Martin County Republican Party headquarters.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.