Director of National Intelligence
Dear Director McConnell,
I think it must have been sometime back in 1983 when I first began worrying about the threat fantasy games pose to our national security. I recall stumbling upon a ring of Dungeon and Dragons enthusiasts and thinking, "If you substituted Soviet Speznatz commandos for these orcan warriors and a Marine guard unit for the elves and, then, recast the Harp of Elesius as the President's nuclear launch codes, this so-called "game" could be a Warsaw Pact training exercise for an assault on Camp David." Unfortunately, everyone laughed at me and made bets that I'd be the last of our group to actually kiss a real girl (a bet that will be resolved in the next year or two, I hope).
Now, after all these years, I don't look so crazy after all. I mean, hey, the Intelligence Advanced Research Projects Activity is now identifying national security threats in virtual worlds. A recent paper they issued even went so far as to conclude:
The virtual world is the next great frontier and in some respects is still very much a Wild West environment...
Unfortunately, what started out as a benign environment where people would congregate to share information or explore fantasy worlds is now offering the opportunity for religious/political extremists to recruit, rehearse, transfer money, and ultimately engage in information warfare or worse with impunity."
I'm here to tell you they have it right, sir. I believe I may have stumbled upon a terrorist cell in Second Life. Luckily, I snapped some pictures.
I first spotted the terrorists while I was doing my daily routine at the Ronald Reagan Shrine the SL Republicans erected at their headquarters. There I was, using the special animated prayer balls the SL GOP installed for worship, and all of a sudden, I noticed another person praying next to me. Upon close inspection, I saw that this figure looked like Jesus, but was dressed in ninja clothing, the preferred garb of terrorists everywhere. Obviously, I was praying next to a false messiah, a terrorist Jesus, the Antichrist.
After finishing his prayers he got up and joined a number of other terrorists, some in animal form.
The terrorists then placed a paper bag in front of the shrine and lit it on fire.
Luckily, an SL Republican official quickly arrived and confronted them, his sword drawn. That diverted the terrorists attention, so I snuck in behind them and stomped on the burning bag to extinguish it. It was then that I finally understood the sheer depth of their depravity. One of the dog terrorists had shat in the bag. My boots were covered with it.
I'm ashamed to admit that seeing my boots in such a state caused me to curse very loudly. That drew the attention of the terrorists back toward me, and they laughed. Yes, the bastards laughed at me, and they called me "shit boy" and made jokes about my personal hygiene. But, that's not the worst of it. By laughing at me, they were laughing at America, and democracy, and freedom. They were laughing because they hate us for being free.
They dispersed shortly after that, but I followed their leader, Terrorist Jesus, and his dog terrorist second in command to dig up a little more intel on them. That's how I learned that the Terrorist Jesus works as a bartender at a place called "Hotties."
I watched for a little over an hour as Terrorist Jesus poured free shot after free shot for his dog companion. After awhile, the dog became very drunk and Terrorist Jesus slow danced with her. That's how depraved these terrorists are.
I trust that my information will help you to round up and virtually waterboard these pixel-skinned bastards.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to Morning for her pics and No Blood for Hubris, Jeanne, Zeno, Any1, Michelle, Karen, Jac, Jillan (and am I missing anyone) who helped.