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Friday, April 04, 2008

A shining interrogation center upon a hill

Christopher Edley, Jr
Professor of Law and Dean
School of Law
University of California, Berkeley

Dear Dr. Edley,

I'm very impressed by your decision to hire former Justice Department official John Yoo to serve on your faculty. It was a very shrewd marketing move on your part. It allows Berkeley to finally get past its sordid history as the battleground for the expansion of our civil liberties and become the foremost advocate for that "shining interrogation center upon a hill" so many of us wish our nation to become.

The recent release of Dr. Yoo's memos authorizing the use of torture provides you with an opportunity to take the next step, the creation of the Berkeley Institute for the use of Torture in the Pursuit of Democratic Ideals. I envision the institute as being a place where the greatest thinkers the pain induction industry has to offer can gather to discuss the possibilities torture and terror offer as instruments for spreading democracy.

I also think it's important to determine how we can continue to generate the political will to defend our use of torture. I have a few ideas about this, and I hope you will consider my application to be the Institute's first Mengele Professor of Sado-Political Studies.

Are you familiar with my research on the personality traits of various torture proponents? One of my key findings was that they all seemed to have had histories of performing acts of cruelty on animals. For instance:
  • Jew Counter and McCain National Co-Chair for Finance Fred Malek was once arrested for his involvement in killing and barbecuing a stray dog.
  • George W Bush "blew up frogs by shoving firecrackers up their ass and lighting the fuse."
  • Mitt Romney "strapped his dog Seamus on top of his car during a long car trip, until a 'brown liquid" ran down the back window."
  • Rudy Giuliani’s current wife, Judy "used puppies to demonstrate surgical staplers on sales calls, then had the puppies put down"
  • Mike Huckabee’s son, David "hanged a dog, slit its throat, then stoned it to death."
  • Former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist "stole cats from the pound, treated them like pets, and only then dissected them."
The next step in my research is to determine whether we need to actively recruit animal abusers (as potential torture advocates) to participate in conservative politics or if they are already naturally inclined to seek leadership roles within the Republican party. Hopefully, you will provide me with the opportunity to do so as your colleague at Berkeley.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Brendan says we should all write the good people at Berekely Law school.

A helmet tip to Kathy G., the publisher of the dangerous new femislamunistofascist blog, The G Spot (which. BTW, like the mythical "little sailor in the boat," does not exist).

Elsewhere: The American Dream Lives On.
My latest contribution to the Air America Blog.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.