Net Neutrality ain't no Fried Baloney Sandwich

Paul Jay Rodriguez
Director of Online Content
National Cable & Telecommunications Association

Dear Mr. Rodriguez,

Thanks for inviting me to the NCTA Bloggers Summit. I've never been to a summit before, but it sure sounds important--like when President Reagan met in Iceland with Gorbachev to negotiate a nuclear treaty. Remember that? Remember how the Gipper used his ability to forget where he was at any given moment to stymie any attempt by the communists to reach an agreement? Damn, I miss that guy.

Anyway, I'm very eager to sit down with you and negotiate away my readers' ability to access my blog. Who needs them anyway. They're always demanding things like real words, spelling, grammar, and compelling stories. You know, shit like that. I'd be happy to have you take my bandwidth so Disney can stream their lineup of wholesome programming featuring hot 13 year old girls onto my computer 24/7. It beats the hell out of writing every day.

But I'll need to get something in return, and it'll have to be more than the Entourage premiere sneak peak your currently offering. Don't get me wrong. That's a hell of an offer. It's almost worth agreeing to pay the cable companies so my readers can access my site at 52kbs. But I'm going to get hungry watching Entourage. I'm going to need fried baloney sandwiches, Cheetos, and Mountain Dew, lots of it.

I'll also want to bring a friend, Pastor Scott Snyder of New Beginnings Bible Fellowship, and a couple of gals he's lined up for us as dates. He says they'd rather get a sneak peak at the Hanna Montana premiere, so let's do that instead of Entourage. And they'll be wanting fried baloney sandwiches, Cheetos, and Mountain Dew too. Oh, and Zach and Cody posters. They specifically asked for those.

So what do you say? Do we have a deal?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot