How I was reborn as a hand virgin

Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO)
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Graves,

While so many other candidates are wasting their time discussing the unfolding international economic melt down, it's refreshing to hear that you're tackling the most important issue we face today, masturbation.

For far too long, libertines, like your opponent, Kay Barnes, have actively promoted the practice as a means to help women achieve "orgasm." But, of course, such efforts are merely a ruse. We know from our own experience that there is no such thing as a female orgasm--sex is not a pleasant experience for women; they invariably react to the very thought of it by vomiting. The libertines' true aim is to sap the strength of the American male by destroying traditional taboos against masturbation.

The end result of all this sapping is a weaker, more vulnerable America. Osama bin Laden doesn't masturbate. That's why he's so angry. That anger drove him to attack us. Most American men don't experience that kind of anger, because the relief one achieves from patting the robertson prevents stress and tension from achieving the needed critical mass.

Fortunately, there are some who resist masturbation's siren call. John McCain doesn't masturbate. That's why he's so prone to fits of anger. And that's what will give him a diplomatic edge as President. All of our potential enemies will have to weigh their ambitions against the fact that a President McCain will be backed-up, pissed off, and have easy access to "the button."

Sen. McCain's reluctance to engage in self-rogering also most certainly played a role in his invention of the Blackberry. What better way to clear one's mind of auto-erotic temptations than to slip off to Canada to create a new revolutionary communications device.

We need more of that kind of anti-onanic genius. That's why I hope you continue to pound the masturbation issue throughout your campaign.

Perhaps, you could even take it the next step and ask your supporters to take a pledge against masturbation and become reborn as "Graves Hand Virgins." Think of all the possibilities that opens up for your campaign. With all those angry men sitting in the audience at your debates, Barnes would be so intimidated, she wouldn't be able to articulate a coherent thought. And official Graves Hand Virgin codpieces would be a boon for fundraising and volunteer recruitment. Heck, I want one, now!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot