Satan Blows a Piccolo

Dr. Gary Cass
Christian Anti-Defamation League

Dear Dr. Cass,

Thank you for your email warning me about a great evil that will occur during the inauguration festivities. I had no idea this would be the kind of thing we'd see at the inauguration:

The inauguration of Barack Obama as the President of the United States is going to be historic for many reasons, not all of them good. Obama’s inauguration may help move race relations forward in America, but Obama’s inaugural events are a major step backwards for historic Christian values. CADC must issue this WARNING message: Don’t let your children watch!

National events ought to unify and elevate the nation by celebrating what is virtuous, such as God and patriotism. Obama is making a terrible mistake by polluting his inaugural events with sexual sin. Some one ought to remind him that he wasn’t elected mayor of Sodom.

[...]

To ensure no one misses the perversion, the Inaugural parade will include a homosexual marching band with their rainbow flags flying proud with millions of our nation’s children and Christians watching.

A "homosexual marching band!" Is nothing sacred? One can only imagine the kind of vile things they do with their piccolos. Hmmmmmm...all those valves and ridges, the conical bore, the high-pitched whistle of a well blown measure--it's like a squeal, like the squeal of a pig, a fleshy, lustful pig. The kind of pig that tempts a man beyond his ability to resist. Like that pig, Porky, in those old Warner Brothers cartoons.

You turn on the teevee to watch a little Bugs Bunny and all of a sudden there's Porky, pantless, teasing you with his siren-like stutter, causing you to think wicked thoughts. And before you know it, you've whipped out a piccolo and you're going all Bill O'Reilly with it, huffing and puffing and squealing like Porky until Ofjoshua comes in and sees you and starts laughing. And then, her sister and all her friends start making those comments. "Are you OK, JC," they'll ask, "you're walking kind of funny." Then they giggle. They giggle and make pig noises and piccolo whistles.

You know what I mean, don't you Gary. We've all been there. Those of us with anti-The-Gay ministries, anyway. It's part of the job. It's what happens when you think about The Gay every waking minute. Now Obama is going to introduce it to the rest of America. The evil bastard.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot