Spartan Style Wrestling or Butt Stucky Orgy?

Brother Matthew Stucky
Guest Pastor
Online Media Coordinator
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Brother Stucky,

Yesterday, I wrote Pastor Anderson an email praising you for outing Santa's sodomite reindeer and for advocating the execution of those whose love you disapprove.

But there was something else I addressed in that letter that began to bother me after I thought about it a bit. It was about your sermon called "Purge Out the Liberals." In it, you called Gomer Pyle a "faggot." That upsets me. Cpl. Pyle was a Marine, and damn it, I won't stand by silently while some non-serving mama's boy attacks the Corps. It just ain't right.

That got me to wondering if you are really all you appear to be, so I decided to check out your other writings. I must admit that I was sickened by what I saw. Take this comment you left in response to Pastor Anderson's sermon, "Heman vs. Onan" for instance. In reference to another pastor, you wrote:

I'll show you the lace on his underwear.

That doesn't sound very King James Version biblical to me. How'd you get his lacy underwear, anyway?

And then there's this tale from your blog:

Richie wanted to wrestle me before I left Morgantown but we didn't find time to do it... Cody was wanting to do some sparring with me as well. Cody & I have had a few submission matches back in Morgantown & they both ended in a draw...

Last night I wrestled all 3 of the Wilsons individually. I showed the Wilson boys how to do a triangle choke, an arm in triangle choke, a kimura, & an armbar from the mount. I also showed them how to escape a full mount & how to escape a rear naked choke.

"Submission matches?" "full mounts" "Rear naked chokes?" What in the name of Our Lord, Jesus, are you talking about there? I mean, hey, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with oiling yourself up and wrestling naked with another guy--I do it all the time--but it's all about context. 

There is no moment more sacred than that when two naked warriors grapple in the manner of our ancient Spartan forbears. It's a beautiful experience, one to be cherished and fondly remembered. But there is a fine line between driving your rigid spear of godly domination deep into a fellow warrior's cave of shame and two guys rolling around in some kind of butt stucky orgy. 

Your description of the matches as "submission matches" rather than the more warriorly term, "Spartan style wrestling," prompts me to wonder if these acts leaned a little more to the butt stucky side than would be appropriate.

I want you to think about that for awhile before responding.

I'll be praying for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Dave von Ebers

And now for something completely different.

It looks like her holiness, the Anchoress, bane of the brown menace, is edging out America-hater Driftglass. Don't forget to vote, every day.