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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington

Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Damschen,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill granting full civil-rights to zygote-Americans. It's a great start, but we both know it is only that, a start. Trillions upon trillions of our spermatazoan-American brothers continue to be murdered every hour in our nation. This tubesock holocaust must end.

Purity pledges aren't the answer. Men need to liberate the spermatazoan-Americans imprisoned within their gonads on a regular basis. Without such a release, A man's system gets backed up, causing him to slip into an O'Reillian state of constant, uncontrolled rage.

A law is needed to ensure that spermatazoan-Americans are cared for after their liberation. The law doesn't need to be burdensome--it should simply require men to liberate their spermatazoan-Americans into a mason jar they keep in a cool place (I use my cellar) until it can be transferred to a federally-funded Christian housing facility (built with stimulus money).

But as you know, it's very difficult to pass that kind of legislation. People just don't grasp the seriousness of the spermatazoan-Americans' plight. We need to raise public awareness, like African-Americans did in the Sixties with their March on Washington.

And that's what I'm thinking we should do--we should have a Spermatazoan-American March on Washington. But it needs to be big. It needs to be a Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington.

Now, I know that might sound a bit ambitious, but it's easily achievable. The average man provides freedom to 412,000,000 spermatazoan-Americans per each liberation episode (I release 412,000,001). That means, together, we could provide almost 85% of the spermatazoan-Americans needed. We just need to recruit another guy.

I think it should be Prince. He's a famous singer, so his participation would help us publicize the event. He's also a very pretty man, and that might come in handy as we perform the liberation ritual  (which we'll do standing in a circle at Lincoln's feet within the monument).

I'd like to get together with you to plan this out in a bit more detail and, perhaps, get a little practice time in. Please let me know when you're available.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Rep. Damschen replies; I respond.


  1. Hit it, Bruce!

    Pre-born in the USA!

    I love the smell of spermatazoans in the morning. They smell like tube socks...


  2. Between the General and mjs, I hope there's enough money to take care of me after the near heart-attack the post and the response has caused me. I'm not a young man, anymore, and I'm among the 47 million without health care. Take pity.

  3. General, Sir:

    412,000,000 is average? Where do you get that figure?

    My doctor (well, he's a large animal vet, actually--they have the best tranquilizers!) told me it's like 2, maybe 3, little soldiers at a time, that's it. Are you taking supplements or is it just the praying that makes it work? And how on earth can they count them. I mean they wiggle and move around--a lot.

  4. I plan to start a foundation to allow good, religious Americans all over the world to adopt these (what I'm calling) Mason Jar Babies. Won't you all open your hearts, and the lids of these mason jars, and adopt a few billion today?

  5. So are masturbatory emissions considered murder?

  6. The Lincoln Memorial? Wouldn't it be more symbolically appropriate at the Washington Monument?

  7. This is a worthy cause to which I feel called, as a Christian emissionary, to spread the news around. I personally pledge two quarts of pre-soldiers to the fight. I say we flood DC with our love. What we need to do is get some of that bailout money to open storage facilities in every city throughout the land, so Christian men can have a safe place to go and make the freshest deposit possible.

  8. I'm thinking that with that suit, the good legislator needs a lot of mason jars.

  9. Please remember one thing. When yer around Prince, don’t mention the gays. Apparently, they make him very nervous.

  10. General Sir, I spend some heterosexual time over at Pam's place watching for the straying congregants over there. I couldn't help but notice she was talking about your receiving an unhappy "missive" from the good rep. Damschen. Would it be possible to share with the congregation are was it a little threatening, I'm just guessing?

  11. The very idea of using "stimulus" money to build the housing facility makes me want to uhh, contribute.

  12. I just noticed something. This guy’s name is Damschen? Why, that’s mighty close to the German word Mädchen … which makes me question just how manly this man is. If, in fact, he’s a man.

  13. "Without such a release, a man's system gets backed up, causing him to slip into an O'Reillian state of constant, uncontrolled rage . . ."

    B-b-but . . . . you say that, sir, as if it were a bad thing . . .

  14. Sir, General, have you read this news report?

    The writer is to be commended for not buying into the socialist liberalist conspiracy that says if a 13-year-old kills herself after sexually exploitative acts the child called "rape" at the hand of a 39-year-old teacher, that perhaps news stories should call it "rape" and not "sex". ONWARD, BRITISH BROTHER!

  15. Might I suggest a similar program for women?--they lose microscopic zygotes all the time, which being so tiny, get unceremoniously flushed rather than properly buried or even frozen for future resuscitation and adoption. This means all sexually active, fertile women should save all their tampons for religious burials in tiny caskets or frozen storage. Such strictly enforced laws for both men and women would have the added advantage of forcing baby-saving politicians to publicly account for ALL THEIR OWN BODILY EMISSIONS. It's time for concerned citizens to apply the same intrusions on our pious leaders. I nominate Mr. and Mrs. David Vitter for the first public monitoring and respectful storage of all their spent sperm and zygotes. My next choice would be all Catholic male clergy. Geraldo Rivera slyly once asked Father David Trosch, who advocated death for all abortion and contraception users, if masturbating men deserved the death penalty also. Trosch refused to answer (probably to save his own neck).

  16. Count me and my wriggler cannon at your disposal. Perhaps I should rephrase that, they get jumpy at mention of the word 'disposal'.

    -Another loyal footsoldier

  17. I say we flood DC with our love. What we need to do is get some of that bailout money to open storage facilities in every city throughout the land, so Christian men can have a safe place to go and make the freshest deposit possible.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.