Thingy Bobbing for Jesus

Gary Randall, President
Faith and Freedom PAC

Dear President Randall,

I'm becoming very concerned about all these scandals involving good, godly, heterosexual social conservatives who are getting caught putting some random guy's little soldier's in their mouths. Heck, just in the last year or so, we've seen such fine men as Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and a judge you endorsed, Michael Hecht, taken down for nothing more than a a very heterosexual round of innocent butt stuckey and little soldier gobbling, When's it all going to end.

Part of the problem lies with organizations like yours who abandon these men the moment they're exposed. By doing so, you promote the perception that they are stricken with the gay rather than simply receiving the highest honor one culture warrior can bestow upon another. By failing to counter the perception that such acts are not heterosexual in nature, you make us all look like a bunch of closeted hypocrites who hate ourselves so much we spend our lives trying to destroy the very essence of our being.

It's time for you to rebuke your shame, embrace Hecht, and educate the public about the true, non-sexual nature of thingy bobbing. Perhaps you could do so as you fight against marriage equality by explaining the difference between the evil of same-sex love and the greatest of all expressions of fraternal respect, a righteous cob gobble.  I'm thinking TV ads featuring a Pastor and a young acolyte, perhaps Pastor Anderson and Brother Stucky, pelting a newly married non-heterosexual couple with tomatoes and then going home to drive their rigid spears of fraternal respect into each others holy receptacles of masculine man-mead.  And then maybe sharing a beer.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot