Marriage Activist, Columnist
Dear Mrs. Gallagher,
I suspected that the drive to award basic human rights to the gay would lead to all sorts of problems, and you confirmed it in your recent post to The Corner:
Is it mere coincidence that this resurgence in illegitimacy happened during the five years in which gay marriage has become (not thanks to me or my choice) the most prominent marriage issue in America...You're right. There is certainly a relationship between the two, but it may be hard to prove. No doubt the forces of homislamunistofascism will tout that lack of proof as evidence that you are a cold, unfeeling, delusional bigot. They may even mock you and try to discredit you by inventing crazy, byzantine explanations to help you "prove" your thesis.
I can end all of that now, by telling the truth about my unwitting involvement in the gay plot to knock up America. Yes, it's embarrassing and I'm ashamed to admit it, but I think it will help you defend your claims.
It all started with a letter I wrote to Rep. Patrick McHenry in which I asked for his help in ending the Tubesock Holocaust. Specifically, I asked him for an earmark to increase the size of my cellar--the place where I store the mason jars in which I house my liberated Spermatazoan-Americans. I never heard back from him, personally, but I did receive a response from a group of College Republicans who claimed to be close to Rep. McHenry. They wanted to learn more, so I invited them all out to the compound for training.
I should have been more alert and heeded all the warning signs I saw during the training. For instance, none of them brought mason jars; they brought fancy crystal decanters instead. That seemed fishy to me. I was also suspicious about their reaction to the actual liberation ritual. I know it's an exciting event, but they seemed a little too excited if you know what I mean. And when it came time for them to give it a try, they couldn't because they had already liberated their S-As into their pants while watching me. That should have been the clincher for me, but I gave them the benefit of doubt-- the same had happened to me many times as I watched wrestling or a good prison movie.
So anyway, I did the training and didn't hear from them until a couple of months later when one of them sent me an invitation to a liberation party he was holding. I happily accepted. I wanted to see my ideas in action.
I realized the enormity of my mistake the moment I arrived. There must have been fifty men in the room, each naked and covered head-to-toe in gold body paint. They all wore little gold wings glued somehow to their backs and each held a crystal decanter in one hand and a turkey baster "wand" in the other.
Well as you can imagine, I was very shocked and confused. That is until I saw the huge banner on the wall that said, "Welcome Sperm Fairies" in big, gold, cursive letters. It was then that the Holy Spirit spoke to me, saying, "These folks aren't exactly 110% heterosexual, General."
But there was something about the gathering that compelled me to stay, and that was good, because that's how I learned the truth about the gay plot to knock up America. One of the men asked me to help him with the liberation ritual, and I obliged by giving him a hand. He was very grateful, and we began talking about what he called "The Sperm Fairy Movement." He told me they met a couple of times a week and liberated huge amounts of sperm which they used to impregnate unsuspecting women using their turkey baster wands. He refused to go into much detail on how that was done, exactly, but I suspect it has something to do with toilet seats or bicycles. Who knows.
He said it was all a plan to replace hetero genes with the gay gene--or as we both know, the genes that allow people to choose to be gay--but I wasn't going to argue with him about that.
So there you have it: your link between the gay and increasing out-of-wedlock births. I hope it helps.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically correct kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot