Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, March 02, 2009

When a man's grenades need re-arming

Dawn Irons
Blessed Arrow Ministries

Dear Mrs. Irons,

I am awed by the good work you are doing with your vasectomy reversal ministry. If I were less of a man, say perhaps a 7 or an 8 on the manly scale of absolute gender, I might have even shed a few tears after reading the heartfelt success stories written by the Gammages, Brights, and others. I understand their pain. I too have a grenade related problem I need your help to correct.

No, I haven't had a vasectomy, but I'm certain my grenades are damaged--probably from a milking machine incident that occurred back in my younger days. I don't really want to get into that now, but I've learned my lesson and have rededicated myself to a life of purity.

But you see, even though I've changed, the damage has been done. There is something inside my grenades or the tubes feeding from them that changes my seed and causes me to father darker-hued children. Joshua Jr. is so brown he looks like a Mexican. That's not an exaggeration. I've stood him next to our neighbor, Mr. Garcia, and they are spitting images of each other.

The same is true of little Jason and our milkman, Mr. Watanabi, and our dear Esther and Dr. Washington, the school principal. It's very embarrassing. Especially when Joshia calls Mr. Garcia, "daddy." I don't know why my wife, OfJoshua, encourages that, but I suppose it's to hide her own embarrassment--I mean they look more like a family than we do.

So, I'm asking for your help. Could you get one of your doctors to take a look at my grenades and see if anything can be done to fix them?

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically acceptable kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

15 comments:

  1. The website looks like a fund-raising scheme for a couple of people having second thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Can a little soldier have big grenades? The reason I ask is because your story led me to recall something that was said by a good ol' Florida Cracker I had as a patient in the late 90s. He had, to put it bluntly, an extremely dangley scrotum, which I once got caught in the bed rails as I was helping him transfer into a wheelchair. (I'm not kidding -- it was like his goatsack was made of stretched rubber.)

    I apologised, of course, and said I hoped that I didn't do him any permanent damage. He accepted my regrets and said "It's OK son. Nothin' important down there to hurt. I learnt long ago that when my shot bag got longer than my rifle barrel, it was time to give up huntin'."

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  3. probably from a milking machine incident that occurred back in my younger days. I don't really want to get into that now

    General, if it doesn't cause you too much pain to recall, could you see your way to answering just one question: did the machine shut off once the bucket was full?

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  4. General, Sir:

    Would having a couple of Cloroxtinis before having pro-creational sex help?

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  5. Mon Hinnyral, I'm a little bit leary of this bunch somehow I would caution against trusting your grenades with these people. Let me recommend again this young fellow who comes highly recommended by no less than the New York times here. I have a lot of faith in this and I'm sure you will find it satisfying. Warning, may require some touching

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  6. Brother Knowdoubt:

    I think I might speak, as a faithful adherent of the GC(Cubed)R, for the General. When it comes to the "Laying on of hands" we follow that dictum that "the LORD helps them as helps themselves". Yessirreebob.

    General, Sir:

    It occurs to me that this latest iteration (sorry, that should have read "irritation") of the intertubes "comments" thingie may have unintended consequences. To wit: It takes me three, sometimes four tries to get something to show up as a comment, what with all the layers of secureaucracy involved in this new stuff. So, while I was sittin' there, waitin' for my last comment to be approved, the following occured to me.

    It could be that this is the intertubes god's way of letting me know that I have options. I can change the tone or the substance of some ill-considered, hastily dashed off screed. Or, simply, erase it and start over, after having reflected on the real issues and not the surface stuff that piqued my ire in the first place. I thought about THAT, Sir--and you know what? FUCK IT, I like being irrational, intemperate and anti-intellectual. GOD made me like this, who the hell am I to argue with him? Or you, Sir, really. Umm, just leave things the way they are.

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  7. Bukko, as much as I enjoy your comments, your most recent missive has me curled up in the corner, legs tightly crossed, protecting my naughty bits against whatever harm may befall them. Caught in the bed rails? Just re-typing that phrase reduces me to tears and begging to be spared.

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  8. six billion people on the planet
    six billion humans on the prowl
    everyone goes potty
    some of them are snotty
    some of them will make you want to howl

    six billion is a mighty number
    for edicts procreative and their kind
    the lord wants lots of babies
    or else he'll give you rabies
    dear father has just one thing on his mind:

    (chorus)
    don't tie your tubes, little rubes
    or snip that little highway
    where guppies swim against the foaming tide
    don't use contraception
    it's satan's mad deception
    god loves a wet spot big and wide

    six billion does not impress the father
    six billion is a drop in god's bucket
    you really should get busy
    and start the kissy kissy
    don't be a stooge who just nyucks-nyucks it

    (repeat chorus--make babies)

    ++++

    ReplyDelete
  9. This may go without saying....

    DAD:
    There are Jews in the world.
    There are Buddhists.
    There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
    There are those that follow Mohammed, but
    I've never been one of them.

    I'm a Roman Catholic,
    And have been since before I was born,
    And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
    They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

    You don't have to be a six-footer.
    You don't have to have a great brain.
    You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
    A Catholic the moment Dad came,

    Because

    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.

    CHILDREN:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.

    GIRL:
    Let the heathen spill theirs
    On the dusty ground.
    God shall make them pay for
    Each sperm that can't be found.

    CHILDREN:
    Every sperm is wanted.
    Every sperm is good.
    Every sperm is needed
    In your neighbourhood.

    MUM:
    Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
    Spill theirs just anywhere,
    But God loves those who treat their
    Semen with more care.

    MEN:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    WOMEN:
    If a sperm is wasted,...
    CHILDREN:
    ...God get quite irate.

    PRIEST:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    BRIDE and GROOM:
    Every sperm is good.
    NANNIES:
    Every sperm is needed...
    CARDINALS:
    ...In your neighbourhood!

    CHILDREN:
    Every sperm is useful.
    Every sperm is fine.
    FUNERAL CORTEGE:
    God needs everybody's.
    MOURNER #1:
    Mine!
    MOURNER #2:
    And mine!
    CORPSE:
    And mine!

    NUN:
    Let the Pagan spill theirs
    O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
    HOLY STATUES:
    God shall strike them down for
    Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

    EVERYONE:
    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is good.
    Every sperm is needed
    In your neighbourhood.

    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite iraaaaaate!

    ReplyDelete
  10. All I know is I don't need no reverse vasectomy. Ask Mrs. (Name Witheld by Request) why we only have the one child and she'll tell you, "I love being a mom, but making love to Rich? We are not going through that again!" Also, I have a question regarding the multiple e-mails I get every day for products which promise to make my little soldier not so little. Penis enlargement products (sorry to be so vulgar as to use the word "penis). They come addressed directly to me. My question: How do they know?

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  11. Hey, I though the lengthy Monty Python quotes were my bailiwick.

    Well, anyways, I got dibs on Seinfeld references then.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm sorry, Dave! I'll ask your permission next time. I thought I came late to the party and was surprised it wasn't already posted.

    ReplyDelete
  13. General, Sir:

    If other KKKristian groups disagree with Dawn Irons will that cause a jismschism?

    ReplyDelete
  14. General, Sir:

    If other KKKristian groups disagree with Dawn Irons will that cause a jismschism?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well, alright Just-A-G (hey, I like that … “Just a G …” sounds kinda hip-hoppy), I guess it’s okay. I mean, the Gen’rul went for the Woody Allen reference insteada the Meaning of Life reference, so I was thrown offa my game. (That would be a Woody-Allen-When-He-Was-Still-Funny reference, as opposed to a Woody-Allen-the-Creepy-Step-Dad-Who-Got-Busy-With-His-Ex-Wife’s-Adopted-Daughter reference, but I digress …)

    I guess I can share Monty Python quotations with any fellow traveler over by here; but the next time the parrot sketch comes up, I’ll be all over that sucker.

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.