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Friday, April 10, 2009

Tinky Winky, Mr. Rogers, and evil

Tinky Winky, the ex-gay teletubby, here. It's been awhile since I last posted, but I felt I had to respond to Fox's charge that Mr. Rogers was evil.

I knew Mr. Rogers, or I think I did. You see, like everyone else in children's programming at PBS, I was required to attend his weekly staff meetings. But the thing was he never spoke at them, so I really can't gauge how evil he may have been.

King Friday the XIII always led the meetings from his perch on Mr. Rogers' hand. I can tell you this. Friday was evil, darkly evil. Everyone was frightened of him. Rumor was he had killed The Friendly Giant and ate his liver.

King Friday made us all do things, terrible things. For instance, he got Henrietta Pussycat hooked on smack and he'd withhold her fix until she'd curse God in front of us. I can still hear her cries today:
Meow meow junk please meow meow. Please please meow please. Meow, I'm jonesing meow bad meow meow. OK, meow, suck it, Jesus, meow meow. Fuck, meow, your immaculate, meow ass, meow meow. Meow smack, meow meow now, please!

His treatment of that poor, strung out pussycat was freaking horrible, but nothing like what did to the muppets from Sesame Street. He hated them, especially Bert and Ernie. He was constantly humiliating them by making Ernie watch while the Snuffalufagus violated Bert. It was a horrendous thing to see. Bert, crying, unable to offer assistance as the Snuffalufagus sodomized his beloved Ernie. The Snuffalufagus's maniacal laugh still haunts me today.

So that's all I can add. I think Fox was pretty close to getting it right. King Friday was evil incarnate, and he did live on Rogers' hand.


  1. Anonymous12:53 PM

    Just remember, the Friendly Giant died for your sins!

    Or was that Jesus? I forget.

  2. Kids aren't special. If they were we wouldn't be killing them in Iraq and Afghanistan, or sending them off to do the killing as soon as they can sign up for combat. Wait: was Mr. Rogers taking to brown kids? Oh, man. That is so fucked up.

    I know we have to make the three to five year-old crowd work really, really hard to gain some sense that they aren't just miserable little maggots who nobody could possibly love--they'll get love when they jump through very specific hoops constructed by FOX News. Gotta show them bastards when they're young and you can still kick the shit out of them! The rugrats have to hit the books and put their noses to the grindstone! And no hugs, for gawd's sake! Make 'em crawl on their bellies, through the slime and the muck, and eat the same shit I had to, and tell them that god will burn their asses in eternal hellfire if they don't slave every single day of their miserable lives for a few dollars more...why am I crying? Anyone? King Friday XIII: I cast thee out!


  3. I knew Fox news was fucked up, but this takes the cake. This must be a prank, no one can be that fucking stupid.

  4. Anonymous5:28 PM

    General Sir,

    Was Snuffalufagus violating Bert, or Ernie, or both. The descriptive wording of the referential paragraph leads me to believe that Snuffallufagus violated both. Was it alternate Wednesdays that determined who got a trunk up the handhole?

    Pardon my armchair psychology, but I believe that Bert would not have been as compassionate to Ernie being handholed as would be Ernie-to-Bert in the same situation. The video record of Bert's agitation towards Ernie's verbal musings speak for themselves. I just get the feeling Bert is not that into Ernie.

    Nitpicking Private

  5. I always knew Snuffalufagus was a bad guy. I'm amazed he's still permitted to do "This Week" on ABC. Why hasn't George Will said something and called him out for his evil deeds?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.