Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Amazon Review: "The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide"

When reader Peter told me that the editor of the National Rifle Association's American Hunter magazine had written a book, I knew I had to review it. And when I learned that the title of the book was The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide, well, let's just say a little bit of my essence escaped into my M-372B camouflage briefs.

Here's my review. If you like it, please consider giving it a most helpful vote so we can get it listed as the top positive review.
5.0 out of 5 stars Achieving a 10 on the Manly Scale of Absolute GenderMay 20, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

Years of femislamunistofascist tyranny have made it hard for a man to be a man. Our masculinity is assaulted at every turn. We're told we have to have feelings, and that we can't spit or adjust ourselves in public. Women's magazines, with their tales of whopping three-plus-inch manparts, have created a standard of perfection no man can achieve. Our wives read these things and they laugh at us and call us names like "General Tiny-Parts" or "Vienna Sausage Boy." It's all part of what I call "the sad, sorry plight of the white Christian male." We've been beaten down so much many of us no longer know how to be a man.

That's why a book like "The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide" is so needed now. It provides us with the knowledge we need to reclaim our manhood.

I'll admit it. Even I, a man who spikes an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender, learned a few tricks from this book. The tips on how to pick the perfect cigar and alligator wrestling are worth the price of the book alone.

That said, I did find a few flaws. The section on how to fight off a bear seemed to be missing something. I tried it down at The Castro, and well, I'm not admitting the bears got the best of me, but I'm telling you a step was left out somewhere.

And you really should warn people what happens when the bear achieves dominance. I mean, my God! It's horrible, and OK, yes, also disturbingly enjoyable. That's the worst part--that feeling of happy satisfaction. That, and the lack of after-action smokes. The author should list cigarettes as one of the things you need when you prepare to fight a bear.

The book also needs a chapter on how to deny your essence to women. You know they take it so they can weaken you. They want to make you feel lethargic and unable to defend yourself when they begin their post-sex taunting. It's just like with the bears.

Finally, you'd think the author, Frank Miniter, who edits the NRA's American Hunter magazine, would have written a chapter on defending your home against terrorists. Gitmo is going to get closed down, and despite the budget vote, it's likely some of the detainees will end up in domestic prisons.

What do we do when Khalid Sheikh Mohammed melts his way out of USP Florence using his mutant heat ray eyes and then crushes Denver with his giant reptile feet. How does a man defend his family from that? A little guidance from Mr. Minter would be helpful.

Still, even with these flaws, I don't feel like the book taunted me too much--even after I denied it my essence. So I'll give it five stars.


  1. You gave it five stars? Surely you meant "Five Jars"--need I remind you of your basement glass condos and the patriotic spermatazoans who reside therein? Tell me you didn't lose those in a short sale!

    p.s. You put the burly in burlesque!


  2. Are those MB-372 camouflage briefs the ones in the brown colour scheme? I hear they're great for covering up unfortunate stains that inadvertently happen when one is REALLY frightened. Not that I'd know anything about that. The stains OR being scared of something, I mean.

  3. General-
    You are mighty generous to a man who is trying to outmanly the manliest. At least there's no challenge to your streak of top reviews.

  4. Warning: those librarians (librrarians?) are pushing SALACIOUS books on our innocent youth!

  5. General, Sir:

    I was trying to comment here earlier. Not only would the intertubes godz not let me do that, they wouldn't let me watch or anything else. Is this a widespread problem?

  6. As long as there's beer, there will be men. Who needs a damn book?

  7. Anonymous6:58 PM

    Anne: I’d take umbrage if I wasn’t sipping a cold one right now.

    Actually, that’s not true. I’m not sipping a cold one. I’m sitting on the couch waiting for the pizza to arrive, but what’s the diff.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.