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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bjorn was Lucifer's Little Lutefisk

In "The Lennon Prophecy," author Joseph Niezgoda makes what I think is an airtight case that John Lennon sold his soul to Satan. He does so with impeccable reasoning like this analysis he did of the back of the Abbey Road cover:

The blurry shadow to the right of "BEATLES" appears to be a skull with a crack and brick contour forming an "X" cross-bones. Together, they are the nearly universal symbol of death.

At the upper left, eight dots, resembling bullet holes, are inexplicably positioned on the wall immediately before "BEATLES". Connected, the holes form a "3" as in "3" Beatles. It is curious as to why the groups full name "THE BEATLES" was not used.
Niezgoda's research got me to thinking about other musicians who may have sold their souls for fame and fortune. And then, it occurred to me that ABBA was a likely candidate. I mean how in the hell could a song like "Dancing Queen" be a hit? Obviously, one or more of the members of ABBA were servants of Satan. My major suspect is Bjorn (or is it Benny; i can't tell who is who).


Clue Set 1 

We find our first clues in Bjorn and Benny's first album, Lycka. Notice the inverted cross, the LSD-inspired paisley shirt, and the carefully crafted replica of Spiro Agnew's penis. Certainly Bjorn had sold his soul to Satan by then. It's the only possible conclusion one can draw from this image.


Clue Set 2

1. The title of this album is Swedish for "I worship Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, and someday, he will sing to us from inside Pierce Brosnan's body."

2. Bjorn is the only ABBA member who is not wearing a shirt. Obviously, he gets a kind of satanic thrill from the way the jumpsuit rubs against his nipples.

3. Bjorn's chest hairs are arranged to form a perfect likeness of the late Soviet leader and former KGB chief Yuri Andropov.

4. While everyone else wears respectable cowboy boots, Bjorn goes for some kind of "Space Hippy From the Volgon System" look.

Clue Set 3

1. Early on, Satan knew that Greta van Susteren would eventually become a great advocate for the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution, so he ordered Bjorn to traumatize her by stealing her bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Perhaps Greta would be the governor of Alaska by now if Bjorn had not intervened.

2. Obviously, Bjorn is tempting us with this obscene gesture. I have to go for a bit. I'll be back in a few minutes...back, but only to look at that clue #2 album again...OK, be right back...yes, yes, oh yes!

3. That's Nancy Pelosi looking in. Need I say more?

10 comments:

  1. Conspiracy upon conspiracy! Such dark plots afoot, such foul, besotted oaths do burden man with incantations foul! Yabba dabba abba do! Abba yabba dabba don't! Satan, get thee away from the turntable! If you scratch my LPs I will kick thee back to the hollows of hell!

    ++++

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  2. Pay no attention to those who claim you are jealous, General, because you cannot sing Fernando. You prove by high calculus that these Swedes are, indeed, Satan's spawn!

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  3. All's I got is a poem once seen on a bus:

    the swede equation

    the whole of the parts
    is not summed up in lutefisk or lye.
    this brain is not gelatinous.
    this big swede equals two shakes
    of a stick or the polyglot ear fine-tuned on abba
    and the millionaire question
    can you hear the drums, fernando?

    William Freeberg

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  4. That Niezgoda’s a jackass. Everybody knows that the dots-in-the-shape-of-the-number-three and the crack through the “s” in “Beatles” meant that Paul was dead.

    Jesus H. Christ. Doesn’t that guy know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall?

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  5. You may be on to something:

    "SOS" was originally called "Turn me on". Also, Ulvaeus rewrote the lyrics in order for it to torment the girls further, bringing Falstog to near tears as she sang.

    SOS was John Lennon's favorite POP song.

    Information taken from the Satanic wikidpedia verses:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SOS_(ABBA_song)

    This SOS "Turn me on, dead man" was obviously an early warning to the Satanic Lennon... He just didn't get it.

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  6. i would sell my soul to the devil just to be able to dress in a belted jumpsuit & boots with matching friends. we would walk down the street arm in arm singing everywhere we went. it has been a dream of mine since childhood really.

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  7. It all started when those sneaky rat bastard Swedes (dare I say "Vikings"?) who imported our movies and didn't dub them with their vile language so they could infiltrate our American-speech with their satanic music. Fernando, indeed. It's a bad translation is all. But nobody knows what it really means...unless you're a Satanist.

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  8. Awesome. Well done!

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  9. Thats why you get the big money and I'm just a common grunt. My feeble brain can't find those messages, unless I take the old foil helmet off, then they come in loud and clear.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.